An antidote to loneliness, insecurity, and discontent in relationships
From approval-seeking to connection
“(…) people seek validation from others and cringe at the thought of their ordinariness being exposed for all to see. When they do succeed in the domains in which their self-worth is invested, the bar for achieving the next ego boost gets higher. The pursuit of self-esteem becomes relentless. Much like addicts, we seek the boost to self-esteem, and feel great – are great! – when we get it, but it doesn’t last and often leads to more anxiety and seeking the next high.” Jennifer Crocker (Chasing Self-Esteem)
Think back to the last time you bought a gift for someone. What motivated you? Was it simply to see them smile and make them happy, or was it because you wanted to be perceived as a kind partner, child, parent, colleague, or friend?
The reasons behind our actions are more than mere footnotes in our daily lives. They shape the quality of our relationships, our sense of security in the relationship, and the support and trust we receive.
We all express kindness and support to others at times–or perhaps most of the time. And let’s be honest; the reasons why we do so might be rooted in a desire for validation. We might help a friend to avoid their disapproval, tell our partner "I love you" to hear it back and feel good about ourselves, or listen to our team to be seen as a good leader.
At first glance, this may seem a natural drive, even beneficial, as it motivates us to act positively. We’re social creatures yearning for recognition. But this pursuit of validation can be a double-edged sword. While seeking approval is ingrained in our nature, the way we go about it—by constantly crafting a desirable self-image—can backfire. In prioritizing our need for approval, we can neglect others' needs, leading to isolation. When our actions prioritise enhancing our self-image over genuinely supporting others, we risk alienating them, which can ultimately diminish our self-esteem, achieving the opposite of our initial intention.
Social psychologist Jennifer Crocker examines this ego-driven quest for approval and explains why seeking self-esteem through others' validation can be fruitless. Sure, a strong sense of self-worth is valuable, but constantly pursuing it through external validation hinders personal growth and strains relationships.
As Crocker aptly puts it, “(…) the pursuit of self-esteem can be dysfunctional—the emotional highs of boosts to self-esteem are short-lived, and the things people do to obtain them undermine learning and growth, self-regulation, relationships, and mental health, resulting in considerable dissatisfaction, emotional pain, and frustration over time.”
Crocker advocates for enhancing self-regard by shifting our focus from chasing it through managing our self-image to cultivating compassionate relationship goals. I first encountered Crocker’s relational motivation framework and research in 2012, which profoundly transformed my perspective on my own relationship dynamics as well as my approach to client work in therapy and organisational consulting.
I’ve been meaning to do a deep-dive piece on this framework for a while. Let me introduce you to this concept, suggest an exercise to help you reflect on your relationship goals, and offer tips on how to apply these insights to improve your relationships.
The ego-system and the eco-system
According to Crocker’s framework, there are two motivational systems in relationships: the egosystem perspective and the ecosystem perspective.
Imagine the egosystem as a world centred on the self. Here, the focus is on satisfying your own needs and desires, often with little consideration for others. Egosystem motivation drives you to control others through manipulation, persuasion, or negotiation. You aim to maximise personal gains and minimise losses. Your primary goal is to prove yourself to others and seek validation.
A hallmark of the egosystem is self-image goals. When driven by these goals, you're preoccupied with how you appear to others. You strive to be seen as possessing desirable qualities (e.g., you pay for dinner so your friend thinks you are generous). You seek recognition and praise. In close relationships, the support you give comes with the expectation of receiving something in return, like approval or praise.
In contrast, the ecosystem perspective views you as part of a larger, interconnected world. Your wellbeing is intertwined with the wellbeing of others. You genuinely care about others, and aim to balance your own needs with theirs. You trust that your needs will be met in collaboration with your social environment.
In the ecosystem, you are driven by compassionate goals. Unlike self-image goals, compassionate goals focus on connecting with others and contributing to their wellbeing (e.g., you pay for dinner because you know it will make your friend happy). With these goals, you support others out of genuine care, not because you expect something in return.
To be clear, in the ecosystem people don’t necessarily sacrifice themselves for others. They’re not giving to others at the expense of their own needs. Rather, they tend to give to others in ways that are good for others AND the self.
To grasp the distinction between self-image goals and compassionate goals better, consider the workplace setting. Self-image goals might involve striving to be the most popular or competent person in meetings, or constantly being agreeable to be liked and avoid rejection. In contrast, an ecosystem or compassionate goal could be mentoring a colleague or help a team member with their presentation because you think these actions will contribute to their success and make them happy.
Why do these perspective matter in relationships?
Since Jennifer Crocker proposed these perspectives, numerous experimental studies in both laboratory and real-life settings have shown that self-image goals tend to result in competition, defensiveness, insecurity and fear within relationships. These goals decrease trust and responsiveness, and increase withdrawal. Consequently, you end up with a low-quality relationship.
Conversely, when our goals are rooted in concern for others, we foster a sense of belonging and interconnectedness. Evidence points out that compassionate goals nurture love, clarity, and peace in relationships. They help us believe that problems can be solved and conflicts can be overcome. This shift doesn't just improve our relationships; it also enhances our self-worth and overall wellbeing. When driven by compassionate goals, we feel more supported, secure, and respected.
Here is more about what happens when we have compassionate goals in relationships:
We develop more optimistic beliefs about the nature of relationships.
Our own and the other person’s psychological needs are satisfied.
We become more open to self-disclosure which increases intimacy.
The other person is more responsive to us, which increases trust.
The benefits of adopting compassionate goals are compelling. While they don’t eliminate conflict or problems, they changes our approach to these challenges. With compassionate goals, conflicts are seen as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles, fostering a more positive and forgiving approach to resolution.
It is useful to think of these perspectives on a spectrum rather than as polar opposites. It's possible to shift from one to the other depending on the relationship or stage in our lives. People usually don't exist at one extreme or the other. Having some self-image goals isn't inherently bad; most of us will have them at some point. But when they dominate our motivations, they lead to competitive, defensive, and self-centred behaviours. This not only pushes people away but also harms our relationships and self-worth.
Exercise: Reflect on your own relationship motivations
To gain insight into your relationship motivations, try this exercise. Identify someone in your life you’d like to enhance your connection with—be it a partner, child, sibling, roommate, parent, or colleague. Write down their name.
Now, think back over the past two weeks. For this relationship, rate how often (1 = not at all, 5 = always) you aimed to or did the following: