Healing hands, the Ring, and my friendship playbook

How to create more meaningful friendships

“You might think it’s weird, but I feel less pain when you’re next to me, holding my hand,” a friend once told me during a painful medical procedure.  

Her words didn’t strike me as weird at all. In fact, they resonated deeply. There’s a magic in the presence of someone we love and trust—an alchemy that transforms pain into something bearable. Science backs it up: our pain tolerance increases when we are being observed by someone who cares for us. Add a comforting touch or a few encouraging words, and the effect amplifies. This is why, almost instinctively, we reach out to friends during moments of stress or crises.

But when I’m holding my friend’s hand, I’m not under any illusion that I can cure her illness. What social support offers is more subtle: the strength to face challenges. With a friend’s support, hardships seem less daunting, and tough times become tolerable. This support doesn’t make the problems or obstacles disappear, but it infuses us with hope and resilience.

Consider the support Sam gave to Frodo in "The Lord of the Rings." Sam didn’t just help Frodo carry the Ring; he helped him bear the emotional and psychological weight of their mission. Throughout their journey, Sam's unwavering support helped Frodo to persevere. Sam was there for Frodo in every sense—physically, emotionally, and mentally. When Frodo was too weak to carry on, Sam carried him. When Frodo was consumed by despair, Sam provided hope and encouragement. Frodo, in turn, valued Sam's loyalty deeply. Although he was focused on his mission, he did recognise and appreciate Sam's unwavering support. His decision to bring Sam along on the journey shows his trust and reliance on Sam’s companionship.

Let’s not be fooled; not all friendships play a supportive role. Some are uplifting but others are boring or meaningless. Certain friendships might even become sources of stress rather than joy or comfort. For instance, I have, at least at this stage of my life, little tolerance for ambivalent friends—those that are warm and supportive one moment and vanish the next. It creates an inconsistency that lets us down when we need support the most. It gives us a mixed or conflicting emotional experience, which can be confusing and overwhelming.

Reflecting on my friend’s remark about my seemingly magical touch, I found myself contemplating my own circle. I was in my mid-30s then, a time when I still clung to every friendship as if they were lifelines, rarely questioning their value. I realised that not all friendships felt right; some were downright burdensome. While I had close, supportive friends, I also had those who seemed to show only superficial interest in my life, or those who made empty promises and disappeared when things got tough.

What I truly craved were relationships where I felt safe to be myself, to make mistakes, without having to put on a façade or worry about reliability. Sure, not all friends can offer the same level or type of support. I’m in peace with the idea of having casual friends I catch up with occasionally or share a single interest with (I even enjoy these interactions). What I no longer wanted were those friendships that felt heavy, made me anxious, depleted my energy, and left me feeling worse about myself. It was time to let them go and start investing in more meaningful ones.

So, I made a conscious decision to nurture the friendships I wanted to keep. My goal wasn’t necessarily to turn all my friendships into ones like Sam and Frodo's (which would be nice, though). But I knew that, like all close relationships, friendships required a bit of work. They don’t endure on their own; they need consistent maintenance.

Rules of friendships and my personal friendship framework

I came up with a framework that I call Connect-Serve-Commit. This isn’t some groundbreaking revelation—obviously—but it has helped me build better relationships.

Before diving into my framework, let's look back at some fascinating research from the 1980s by Oxford psychologists Michael Argyle and Monika Henderson. Their work has greatly influenced how I maintain the friendships I cherish.

Argyle and Henderson conducted several studies to pinpoint the key rules that help friendships grow from casual to close. These rules differentiate between high-quality and low-quality friendships, as well as lasting and fleeting ones. According to their research, breaking these rules often leads to the end of a friendship.

Here are rules of friendships that Argyle and Henderson found to be the most important:  

• Share news of each other’s successes

• Strive to make each other happy

• Stand up for each other in their absence

• Volunteer to help each other in times of need

• Support each other emotionally

• Trust and confide in each other

Henderson and Argyle noted “rules provide the framework in which the relationship is given stability, by regulating potential sources of conflict that might disrupt the relationship.”

Sticking to these rules helps friendships flourish. They’ve always made sense to me, so I’ve made sure to include them in my own friendship framework. So, what’s this not-so-groundbreaking framework I’ve developed over the years? Let’s break it down.

1.     Connect

Lack of connection is one of the most important reasons any close relationship can be damaged or dissolved. Without connection, we lose the ability to relate meaningfully, communicate effectively, and develop trust. But connections aren’t just about exchanging texts or occasional meetups. It’s about creating a deep bond. Here’s how to do it:

Do personal sharing

Discuss your whimsical dreams, share your joyous news, talk about what you’re passionate about or what makes you happy. Let your guard down and be vulnerable. Share your mess-ups, admit your flaws, talk about your bad days, express your fears. When you open up, you’re not just telling stories—you’re building bridges by inviting your friend into your world.

Play

Play is the glue of friendship. Be silly, joke, be creative about the ways you communicate or talk, and embark on ridiculous adventures. Playfulness keeps things light and fun and it’s what makes the friendship vibrant and resilient.

Become curious

Be genuinely interested. Ask about their day, their thoughts, and their goals. Show that you care enough to listen and learn.

Share a moment

Create memories together. From mundane coffee dates to life-changing events, these shared experiences forge and strengthen your bond. Actively look for opportunities and initiate such moments.

2.     Serve

True friendship is rooted in mutual support. Serving is about stepping in without being asked, offering help that genuinely matters. Here is how I think about it:

Show up in tough times 

When your friend is going through a rough patch, be there—physically if you can, but emotionally in any case. Offer a shoulder to cry on, lend a hand, or just sit in silence together.

Contribute to their happiness

Brighten their day by simple gestures: a thoughtful message, a small surprise, or something that makes them smile.

Stay present

Be all in. When you’re with your friend, put away distractions, listen intently, and respond with empathy. Show them that they’re valued and heard.

Be responsive

When your friend reaches out, make an effort to respond promptly. Don’t ghost, don’t be mean, and be tolerant. Consistent responsiveness builds trust and shows that you are reliable.

3.     Commit

Commitment is about being reliable, showing up consistently, and proving that your friendship matters. No more “let’s catch up soon” promises—mean it, and make it happen. Follow these:

Commit in the relationship

Prioritise your friend and ensure they know they’re a significant part of your life. Show them that their friendship is important to you through your actions.

Be consistent

Consistency in your actions builds trust and reliability. Regularly check-in, avoid being warm one day and a wall the next day; your friend should feel secure in knowing that your support and affection are steady and dependable.

Stand by your promises

Be dependable. Your friend needs to know they can count on you. If you make a commitment, follow through. Show up if you say you will. Be there for them, especially when times are tough.

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Troubleshooting the framework

I've shared this framework in various workshops and talks, and people often have a lot of questions. Here are some common ones you might be wondering about:

• What if emergencies or personal issues keep me from being there or keeping my promises?
  Hey, life happens. We're all human, and sometimes we just can't be there as much as we'd like. The key is to be honest about it. If you can't keep a promise, let your friend know and make it up later. If you're struggling to be present, just communicate that and apologise. Being upfront prevents misunderstandings and shows you care enough to explain.

• What if I struggle with being vulnerable and connecting deeply?

  Being vulnerable can be tough, especially if you’re not used to it. Start small by sharing little things and gradually opening up more as you feel comfortable. Trust builds over time, and it’s okay to take it slow. Remember, true connection happens when both parties are willing to share and listen.

• Is a friend's role just to make each other happy? Don’t friendships have their tough times too?
  Absolutely, friendships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. Contributing to your friend’s happiness doesn’t mean avoiding the bad stuff. You'll have conflicts and tough moments together. It's about finding ways to create joyful moments for each other, even when things get tough.

• How do I know if I'm overstepping in my efforts to serve my friend?
  Serving a friend should feel natural and appreciated, not intrusive. Pay attention to their reactions and feedback. If they seem uncomfortable or resistant, ask them directly how you can best support them. It’s important to respect their boundaries and preferences.

• What if the friendship doesn’t deepen even though I follow the framework?
  Sometimes, no matter how much you invest, the other person might not reciprocate. Maybe they’re not ready for a deeper friendship, or they have different priorities. In that case, you can talk about it openly or decide to keep the friendship more casual. If it feels like a burden, it might be best to let it go.

• Can all friendships fit into the Connect-Serve-Commit framework?
  Not every friendship will fit perfectly into this framework, and that’s okay. Some friendships are more casual and don’t require the same level of commitment. The framework is a guideline for deeper, more meaningful relationships, but it’s flexible enough to adapt to different types of friendships.

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Do you have your own rules for friendship? What are they? Feel free to share in the comments below.

See you in the next post!