5 strategies to hold inner experiences more lightly
Moving from rigidity to flexibility
One of the most valuable skills I’ve learned in life is the ability to adopt a broadened, flexible perspective towards self.
It’s about learning to disentangle myself from my inner experiences, recognising that I’m not merely my emotion, my thought, or my memory itself, but rather the container that holds it. It’s about distancing myself from them without avoiding, become indifferent to, or disconnecting from them; it’s a different level of contacting with experience.
Much of the distress I faced until my mid-30s stemmed from becoming too caught up with how I felt, the events I experienced, or the narratives my mind constructed about myself, others, and the world around me. I became entangled in my upset or anger, my belief that I must be a disciplined person all the time, my self-doubt, my mistakes, or the things I failed to achieve, convinced they defined who I was.
My immersion in memories, thoughts, and emotions was my way of dealing with my struggles, loneliness, and sorrows. Dwelling in them felt safe; listening to and acting upon them seemed inevitable at times. Defining myself in certain ways, even if negatively, seemed to maintain a sense of control.
This attachment and rigidity weighed me down over time. Today, reflecting on this, I’m reminded of psychologist David Gillander's taking off your armour metaphor. He suggested that we put an armour on early in life for self-protection, and with time, the armour becomes so familiar it feels like a second skin. While it may have once helped us cope or feel safe, perhaps the battle is now behind us, inviting us to remove this armour to experience lightness and openness.
Learning to distance myself from unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and memories, and breaking free from rigid self-definitions mirrors the act of shedding that armor. It’s liberating because it clears my judgment and gives me a real sense of agency.
I don’t believe attachment is always negative or inherently brings suffering. It’s just about understanding the line between the self that experiences thoughts, emotions, sensations, and memories, and the self which exists separately from that internal content. It’s a different sort of attachment by remaining intimately connected to our inner experiences while simultaneously stepping outside of them.
This process showed me that I’m not my (emotional or physical) pain; rather someone who holds space for that pain. I realised that upset wasn’t a role I had to play in life or an identity itself. They were all merely parts of my experience, which I could look “at” rather than look “from”.
Strategies to bend the rigidity.
We all have the right and the need to better understand our experiences, whether they are positive or negative, joyful or painful. The need to analyse them is normal, but problems arise when we become overly identified or overly analytical of those experiences.
I’ve always been fascinated by the scientific studies offering insights into altering some of the patterns of over-attachment to thoughts, emotions, or memories, and regulating emotions in the face of stressful or painful events. The implications of such studies are simple, but effective strategies.
The essence of such strategies isn’t necessarily to alter the content of experiences - for example, changing “I’m a failure” to “I’m great”, transforming feelings of sadness into joy, getting rid of unpleasant experiences, or erasing the past. Contrary to common belief, self-affirmations are not always helpful; in fact, they can be harmful when used indiscriminately by individuals with low self-esteem.
The core idea is to bend the rigidity inherent in overbearing attachment. It’s about moving from rigid attachments to flexible connections, and maintaining a less immersed, more open perspective.
It’s about wearing an outsider’s hat to move from rigidity toward more flexibility.
1. Remember the past from a distant future.
In 2016, Hunynh and colleagues conducted an interesting study where romantic partners were either instructed to reflect on a conflict from a distanced, far-future perspective (“One year from now, when you think of this event, what thoughts would come to your mind?”) or to focus on the conflict from the view of their present selves (“Right now, when you think of this event, what thoughts come to your mind?”). The first group that reflected in a distanced way showed less partner blaming and greater forgiveness. Viewing the event from a distant future facilitated their detachment from the experience, regulation of emotions, and display of constructive behaviours.
Taking on a future-oriented perspective regarding events and the self can enable us to metaphorically wear an outsider's hat, thereby distancing ourselves from the event and mitigating the intensity of associated emotions. Fascinating series of studies by Pronin and colleagues showed, “the decisions people make for future selves and other people are similar to each other and different from their decisions for present selves.”
A connection with the future holds the potential to reduce biases and judgments, maintain a broadened view, and open us to new explanations and alternative solutions. The next time you find yourself recalling an emotionally charged situation, consider instructing yourself to adopt this future perspective.
2. Use a third person language when looking at unpleasant experiences.
Another method to adopt that outsider perspective and regulate negative emotions involves using third-person pronouns such as “they”, “he”, or “she” when engaging in an inner dialogue. A series of studies by Kross and colleagues showed that when individuals replay and analyse unpleasant or painful experiences in their minds, choosing a third person language (they/he /she) instead of first-person (I) enhanced their ability to regulate stress. This practice, also known as self-distancing, empowers us in the face of problems or stressors by broadening our perspective and changing the way we perceive and evaluate experiences.
For instance, saying "I remember that I felt very embarrassed" tends to draw us into emotional immersion, whereas stating "I notice that Selda was feeling embarrassment" aids in detachment and adopting a perspective. In immediate stressful situations, I often employ a similar approach. Instead of saying, "I'm too anxious, I need to get myself together," I tell myself, "Selda, you're feeling a lot of anxiety right now. Get yourself together."
3. Look at immediate provoking experiences from afar.
To examine whether people can self-distance immediately after being provoked and whether it’s helpful, Mischkowski and colleagues (2012) asked some participants (self-immersed group) to see an unpleasant situation unfold through their own eyes as it were happening to them all over again. The others (self-distanced group) were asked to a take a few steps back to watch the experience happening to them from a distant perspective. Those in the self-immersed group displayed less aggressive actions and felt more aggressive thoughts and angry feelings than those who were in the self-distanced group. This distanced approach helps focus less on the emotionally intense aspects of the experience and more on gaining insights from it.
In another study, Kross and colleagues showed that children who analysed their emotions regarding a recent anger-provoking event from a similar self-distanced perspective showed lower levels of negative affect than those who approached their emotions in a self-immersed way.
Therefore, self-distancing practices can not only assist in regulating emotions related to memories but also prove effective in managing immediate heated situations.
4. Think like a wise person.
In situations where distress or emotionally investment leaves you feeling stuck and unable to solve problems or cope, adopting the perspective of a wise person can help.
A study by White and Carlson showed that children who took the perspective of an exemplar other and made decisions as that person, such as Batman, showed improved executive functioning. This suggests that psychological distancing can enhance the way we approach challenges and solve problems.
During difficult situations, I ask myself questions such as “What would a wiser version of myself or the wisest person I know do now?” or “If I were …. watching me right now, what would they be thinking, feeling, or doing?” This practice creates a psychological distance and helps me gain perspective through someone I trust or regard highly in terms of self-regulation. The idea is to situate self-knowledge in a more spatial, temporal context.
5. Use a metaphor to broaden perspective.
While there is limited direct scientific evidence for the effects of using metaphors on perspective-taking ability, they are frequently employed in general Acceptance and Commitment Therapy processes by therapists to help people understand the difference between a self that is immersed in the content of thoughts and a self that is distinct from the content.
For example, the anthropologist metaphor by Jill Stoddard suggests that we can take an observer perspective towards our experiences, much like an anthropologist studying their work with curiosity without intruding or impacting what you’re seeing.
Personally, I find the perspective of observing an intense emotion or a thought from the top of a mountain to be quite helpful. It helps me connect with my experience from afar, without becoming one with those experiences.
The common thread in all such strategies or techniques is to foster more psychological flexibility.
The question becomes:
How can I hold my emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and memories more lightly? or
How can I cultivate a space where I can observe my experiences without feeling compelled to engage with them or flee from them?
We can step back from our emotions and observe them from a separate point of view.
We can get stuck with our thoughts or our self-evaluations from time to time but we can also separate ourselves from them. As psychologist Steven Hayes and colleagues noted “…we must embrace them gingerly and realize their limited utility.”
We can observe our mind’s experiences as they come and go.
We can perceive the self as a dynamic entity, constantly evolving rather than fixed, containing different experiences which come and go. What remains constant and is always accessible is the aspect of ourselves that notices these changing thoughts, feelings, judgments, roles, or behaviours.
Dr. Selda Koydemir is a London-based psychotherapist, an organisational consultant, a professor at the University of Bamberg, and the co-founder of Springatlas. Selda is passionate about helping people prevent mental health challenges and improve wellbeing.