Yes! I recently realized I really did not like the way boundaries are talked about in our culture when a coach asked me what boundaries I would set with a future parter. I couldn't answer because boundaries should be a two-way conversation.
I looked back and realized when I've set a boundary like "I don't like being hugged at random" in the past. It felt more like an emotional wedge where my friends felt like they couldn't touch me anymore even though that was their way of showing love. I think for boundaries to work there usually has to be a conversation not just of what I find unacceptable, but what the other person receives from the behavior so we can achieve a balance.
This is a very important point, Clare. It has to be a two-way conversation, although there might be some exceptions such as when there is harm, physically or psychologically (in some cases we don't even have to explain or justify).
Pop psychology co-opting important concepts, like boundaries, can really harm us all. I remember a group at an eating disorder treatment center that was all about helping patients learn about setting boundaries so they could advocate for themselves. In 2012 this was not so black and white. Now, the information circulating on boundary setting is prescriptive and often lacks nuance— clearly I can get fired up about this topic too! Thanks for sharing.
Fire up, Vanessa. Alway love when you bring the heat :) Definitely the blank and white approach is harmful. Good to see like-minded people around though, thank you!
It makes me wonder how often boundary-setting is encouraged as a way to avoid discomfort, rather than leaning into the vulnerability that interpersonal relationships require.
Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about. I believe many of us do this often without even realizing it. The key, I suppose, is learning to distinguish between the times we’re setting boundaries to protect ourselves or improve a relationship, and the times we’re using them to avoid vulnerability.
Thank you for this reflection. I am guilty of talking about boundaries a lot with clients (that and 'narratives' and 'framework'). But I am also interested in family systems, attachment, and I work a lot with young adults and families where the dance of independence and boundaries is part of growing up. I suppose, as with all psychological and therapeutic theory, the damage comes when these terms are thrown around as a catch-all, as you say, when the nuance, complexities and necessary flexibility get lost.
Exactly, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. But as a therapist, I avoid having conversations with clients using buzzwords. And boundary is one of those. If a client brings it up, I focus on understanding what it actually means to them. From there, new windows open and we don't even feel the need to visit that phrase anyway. I agree that the concept has definitely a place in approaches such as family systems.
It feels annoying when words become buzzwords, it means we lose them. What was just a term to be explored and used as part of the work becomes a bigger beast. The only other example I can think of now is a bit like the word 'narcissist', which has become a buzzword with a lot of connotations.
We are lucky to get more and more information on psychology we needed to get some help and more clarity , however it is now essential to be very prudent. Everybody has the right to write about it but should also think about their responsibility and the consequences of giving a not so well thought advice. On the road of finding balance one understands how dangerous it is open one's mouth or try to give guidance for life 😂
I live in a small world inhabited primarily by my wife, myself and four cats. Often I forget how busy and complicated are the lives of most of the people I know. There’s a lot of food for thought in this post for someone like me who lives such a simple lifestyle. Just thinking about the struggles and entanglements faced by most people makes me feel more sympathetic and less judgmental. Thank you, Good Doctor!
The cultural differences around boundaries are so tricky. Just because something is a norm in certain cultures (enmeshed families, for example), does that mean the individual truly is happy with it or is it just the status quo so they have habituated to it? I’m not sure. I think boundaries can help you view relationships as something you proactively choose to participate in and not an obligation foisted upon you that you resent.
Exactly, Tara. As I mentioned, even in families like these, blurred boundaries can cause emotional difficulties. I was born into a collectivist culture, but I value independence and personal space. In some areas of my life, overly loose boundaries didn’t work for me. At the same time, I’m not comfortable with rigid ones either. Having lived in five countries, I’ve realised there’s no universal rule when it comes to boundaries. That’s part of what prompted me to write this piece. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Yes! I recently realized I really did not like the way boundaries are talked about in our culture when a coach asked me what boundaries I would set with a future parter. I couldn't answer because boundaries should be a two-way conversation.
I looked back and realized when I've set a boundary like "I don't like being hugged at random" in the past. It felt more like an emotional wedge where my friends felt like they couldn't touch me anymore even though that was their way of showing love. I think for boundaries to work there usually has to be a conversation not just of what I find unacceptable, but what the other person receives from the behavior so we can achieve a balance.
This is a very important point, Clare. It has to be a two-way conversation, although there might be some exceptions such as when there is harm, physically or psychologically (in some cases we don't even have to explain or justify).
Definitely
I also think it can be almost manipulative to always frame things as a need when it's actually a want that we're afraid will be rejected.
Pop psychology co-opting important concepts, like boundaries, can really harm us all. I remember a group at an eating disorder treatment center that was all about helping patients learn about setting boundaries so they could advocate for themselves. In 2012 this was not so black and white. Now, the information circulating on boundary setting is prescriptive and often lacks nuance— clearly I can get fired up about this topic too! Thanks for sharing.
Fire up, Vanessa. Alway love when you bring the heat :) Definitely the blank and white approach is harmful. Good to see like-minded people around though, thank you!
It makes me wonder how often boundary-setting is encouraged as a way to avoid discomfort, rather than leaning into the vulnerability that interpersonal relationships require.
Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about. I believe many of us do this often without even realizing it. The key, I suppose, is learning to distinguish between the times we’re setting boundaries to protect ourselves or improve a relationship, and the times we’re using them to avoid vulnerability.
Thank you sharing the clarity that I needed! Understanding my own feelings and thoughts about the control/boundaries issues.
Namaste
Thank you!
Thank you for this reflection. I am guilty of talking about boundaries a lot with clients (that and 'narratives' and 'framework'). But I am also interested in family systems, attachment, and I work a lot with young adults and families where the dance of independence and boundaries is part of growing up. I suppose, as with all psychological and therapeutic theory, the damage comes when these terms are thrown around as a catch-all, as you say, when the nuance, complexities and necessary flexibility get lost.
Exactly, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. But as a therapist, I avoid having conversations with clients using buzzwords. And boundary is one of those. If a client brings it up, I focus on understanding what it actually means to them. From there, new windows open and we don't even feel the need to visit that phrase anyway. I agree that the concept has definitely a place in approaches such as family systems.
It feels annoying when words become buzzwords, it means we lose them. What was just a term to be explored and used as part of the work becomes a bigger beast. The only other example I can think of now is a bit like the word 'narcissist', which has become a buzzword with a lot of connotations.
We are lucky to get more and more information on psychology we needed to get some help and more clarity , however it is now essential to be very prudent. Everybody has the right to write about it but should also think about their responsibility and the consequences of giving a not so well thought advice. On the road of finding balance one understands how dangerous it is open one's mouth or try to give guidance for life 😂
I live in a small world inhabited primarily by my wife, myself and four cats. Often I forget how busy and complicated are the lives of most of the people I know. There’s a lot of food for thought in this post for someone like me who lives such a simple lifestyle. Just thinking about the struggles and entanglements faced by most people makes me feel more sympathetic and less judgmental. Thank you, Good Doctor!
The cultural differences around boundaries are so tricky. Just because something is a norm in certain cultures (enmeshed families, for example), does that mean the individual truly is happy with it or is it just the status quo so they have habituated to it? I’m not sure. I think boundaries can help you view relationships as something you proactively choose to participate in and not an obligation foisted upon you that you resent.
Exactly, Tara. As I mentioned, even in families like these, blurred boundaries can cause emotional difficulties. I was born into a collectivist culture, but I value independence and personal space. In some areas of my life, overly loose boundaries didn’t work for me. At the same time, I’m not comfortable with rigid ones either. Having lived in five countries, I’ve realised there’s no universal rule when it comes to boundaries. That’s part of what prompted me to write this piece. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.