Comfort feels good, until it doesn't

Choosing a values-based living to break the avoidance cycle

Imagine you’re embarking on a train trip to your desired destination. When you get to the station, you’re faced with a choice between two trains. One appears a bit old, with uncomfortable and slightly dirty seats, the other looks much more comfortable and induces reliability. You immediately make up your mind: you opt for the second train.

While you wait to board this nice-looking train, which is not accepting passengers yet, the first one departs with some passengers on board. You keep waiting for the comfortable train to board while another older train leaves the station, and then yet another. You’re still waiting for a chance to take this nice train to go where you want to go.

But what if the comfortable train never leaves the station?

What if you’re been patiently waiting for the wrong train?

I like using this metaphor to illustrate the comfort illusion in life. It's a common misconception that we must wait for an improvement in our circumstances or emotions before taking action. This is a recipe for getting stuck in life and failing to move towards the things we want to, though. We wait for our problems or unpleasant feelings to go away before we forge ahead.

I get that because I sometimes fall for that avoidance trap myself. I have the desire to get out more, socialise with friends, and meet new people. But I don’t do it as much, because it feels uncomfortable and insecure, whereas being on my own feels safer. I tell myself that it’s too cold to go out, I’m too tired to commute, or I’m not in the mood to see others. That’s why I end up either cancelling a commitment or not committing to it at all in the first place.

Being alone feels safer, but is it always good for me? Maybe occasionally, but not as a habit.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid or eliminate pain. It becomes problematic when we spend too much time just focusing on avoiding discomfort and seeking pleasure.

If we centre our lives around that, we lose connection to what matters. The life becomes mundane and even meaningless.

Whenever I have a desire to do something but I avoid taking action or committing – just because I’m looking for comfort or pleasant feelings, I remind myself of the train metaphor, understanding that moving forward even with difficulty is better than being stuck in relative comfort. Comfort does not guarantee action or going where you want to go, and difficulty does not necessarily mean that you will be stuck. On the contrary, difficulty could be good, and you’re okay as long as you follow what matters to you.  

How can we break this cycle of avoidance?

Leaning into discomfort makes it easier to commit to actions.

The effort to avoid discomfort in life is like being on a bicycle with a broken chain—you can pedal as fast as you want, but the bike goes nowhere. You might save some energy by not riding the bike and avoid the discomfort of it, but you will end up exactly where you started.

Discomfort is not going to kill us, but being stuck can lead us to living a meaningless life. When we constantly attempt to move away from the pain, we also move away from the richness of life, because the discomfort is the price we pay in the journey towards our values. If you wait for the comfortable train to board, and avoid the uncomfortable one, you might end up a big price because you might not be able to move towards your destination.

I’m not going to tell you that bad experiences are good for you. I won’t even argue that they make you grow. At least, not necessarily.

The point is that many meaningful things – things that make our lives rich and fulfilling – come with some sort of pain.

Some avoidance is acceptable but don’t take it too far as to make it a habitual experience by avoiding the things that actually are safe, enjoyable, and meaningful. Instead, keep your heart and mind open to discomfort.

We usually enjoy the activity/action more than we anticipate.

Going back to my hesitation to go out and meet with people, it does actually feel great once I do it. The immediate discomfort – and the anticipation of discomfort – is keeping me from doing it. Yes, there will be some uncomfortable feelings, but they are the price I pay to connect with my friends, receive support, laugh, share experiences, and create meaning together.

Similarly, activities like exercising, reading, going for a walk, or learning something new may feel uncomfortable beforehand. If we can intentionally focus on the pleasant feelings and the positive consequences of doing those things – and remind yourself how good it felt the last time we did it although there was discomfort -, we’re more likely to take action.

Think of motivation as commitment rather than a feeling.  

When people say, "I don't have any motivation," they often mean they do want to do something but that lack the feeling of excitement or enthusiasm.

When you look at it like that, you'll see that we all have motivation to do things; we just have difficulty committing to actions.

So, lack of motivation is less about not feeling good about doing things and more about avoiding commitment.

Discomfort is uncomfortable (no brainer!). I don't like it either, but waiting for it to leave prolongs inaction. Opening up space for discomfort and committing to act despite it is a better approach.

Taking an action is easier if it’s connected to what we care about.

One of the best motivators in life is a connection with what matters to you the most—your values. A rich and fulfilling life requires taking actions that align with our values, even though they come with some discomfort. You invite the discomfort willingly in the service of what you care about.

Reading books on motivation or listening to motivational talks rarely help because motivation is always there; it's about putting in some effort to identify the values to connect with to take action.

If you want to live more healthily but think you don't have the motivation, rephrase it. Instead of saying, "I have no motivation," try something like, "I have a desire to live more healthily, but I don't feel energetic or too excited about it." Now you know that you do have motivation but are having difficulty committing to action. Remind yourself why you want to live healthily and what the short- and long-term consequences will be – your values.

Even when you feel afraid, sad, frustrated, or tired, you can choose the path you want to take because you’ll be guided by what you care about.

When you’re stuck, ask yourself, do you want to choose your actions always based on your feeling or based on what is important to you? Can you spend our precious attention, focus, and energy on more important things than anticipation or elimination of pain?

Taking a journey in an important direction can be hard. It comes with an emotional baggage. Challenge yourself to “Take the baggage with you.”

BONUS: A reflection exercise to clarify values  

I did mention how values are important in breaking the avoidance cycle. To escape the trap of directing your life solely based on immediate emotions, the need for pleasure, or avoidance of discomfort, you don’t spend time to answer questions around values.

There are many ways you can clarify your values – the things that really matter to you in life. Let me share one of my favourites with you.

Think about your life and identify one or two situations in which you behaved in a way that still makes you very proud and/or satisfied. When you think of these situations, you feel you truly reflected the person you strive to be. What personal qualities did you bring to that situation? These qualities will help you identify some of your values.

For example, it might be that you treated kindly and compassionately toward someone or a group of people (values: kindness, compassion, empathy), displayed perseverance throughout a project/task (values: persistence, perseverance, grit), or stayed grounded and calm during heated arguments and made rational decisions (values: reason, groundedness, value-based living).  

Spending time to identify what truly matters to us in different domains of life is a path toward taking actions aligned with those values, which eventually adds more meaning to our lives.

The path will not be comfortable at times, but again that’s the price of living a good life.