Is there something wrong with me?

How the over- and false-promotion of happiness is making us unhappy

Do you remember the day- or, if you’re not old enough to recall, perhaps you've read or heard about it—when cereals were promoted as essential for our health due to their nutritious content?

What do the scientific studies today say? Exactly the opposite. Cereals are full of sugar, and consuming them regularly is not good for our health.

But how did this notion originate? Primarily, it was a commercial thing.

Just because a message is promoted and endorsed by many voices around us doesn’t make it accurate, though.

I believe happiness follows a similar narrative.

Many beliefs and ideas about happiness perpetuated by the media are, in fact, inaccurate. Unfortunately, we often shape our lives based on these misleading beliefs – or myths.

Listen to this inner voice:

"Why does everyone seem so content in their lives? Why do I sometimes feel a sense of sadness or anxiety? I do feel lonely at times. Is there something wrong with me?"

It echoes the feelings and thoughts of many people, and you might find yourself resonating with it as well.

In today's modern world, where happiness is overpromoted through the 'good vibes' culture, pervasive smiling faces, promises of quick fixes for a joyful existence, and picture-perfect lives showcased on social media, it's no wonder that countless people become fixated on the pursuit of constant happiness—but become disappointed when they, understandably, fall short of expectations.

Happiness is a positive and necessary aspect of life but reducing it to a constant state of experiencing only positive emotions and avoiding discomfort creates a counterproductive cycle. The pressure to maintain this emotional state can lead to lower well-being and increased rumination, loneliness, and anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging the promotion of unpleasant emotions. What we truly need is a shift towards normalizing the spectrum of emotions and refraining from excessively promoting positive feelings at the expense of others.

Leading a happy and satisfied life and constantly seeking happiness are two different things.

The former has many benefits.

If your life isn’t in line with your desired direction—whether you need to foster more trusting relationships, deepen connections with loved ones, set and pursue better goals, or address feelings of low self-worth—taking proactive steps in these areas can indirectly enhance your overall life satisfaction.

Similarly, if there are sources of unhappiness, such as abusive relationships or a job misaligned with your goals and skills, making changes can contribute significantly to increasing life satisfaction.

But the perpetual quest for happiness, paradoxically, can become a source of suffering. Research indicates that actively trying to cultivate happiness when experiencing sadness often leads to diminished happiness.

There is also evidence that an excessive emphasis on positive emotions can also result in reduced overall well-being.

Defining happiness in a more realistic sense can help.

Rather than defining happiness in an unattainable manner, such as the popularised "good vibes only" mentality, what about recognising life's inherent challenges and sorrows as a normal part of life?

Happiness can be defined - more realistically - as leading a life where meaningful connections, a sense of accomplishment, pleasurable moments, an optimistic outlook in general, being content with oneself, and contributions to others' lives are involved.

Real contentment is more than mere positive feelings. Embracing this broader perspective and shifting our mindset can help prevent disappointments in the pursuit of happiness.

So, can we see happiness as a place to visit from time to time, rather than a permanent residence? We might - and most probably will - visit other places such as sadness, anger, fear, or disappointment. We need to be open to visiting new places.

Feeling socially pressured to experience positive emotions can backfire.

One of the reasons we constantly find ourselves seeking happiness or trying to feel good is social pressure.

Good vibes are promoted everywhere. The advice to think positively is cheap and given without much consideration.

The pressure to conform to the narrative of positivity can be overwhelming. Observing those around you seemingly experiencing happiness may lead to internal questioning:

"Why can't I feel good? Why can't I think positively? Why am I experiencing sadness or loneliness?"

The internalised belief that one must be happy, feel good, and think positively, simply because everyone else is doing so, can result in increased unhappiness and guilt.

Research supports this phenomenon, indicating that when people feel socially pressured to maintain a positive emotional state and avoid negative feelings, they paradoxically experience more negative emotions.

People who feel negative emotions, who don’t feel satisfied with their lives, compare themselves to the social expectations about happiness and feel that the world is unjust because most people around them are happy and they themselves are not. This sort of comparison can also trigger self-criticism and negative self-evaluations.

And the takeaway…

• Everyone is not happier than you. Appearances can be deceiving.

• You don’t need to feel good to have a satisfied life.

• Hold happiness lightly; do not place too much value on it.

• Embrace the full spektrum and richness of emotions.

• Challenge the societal expectations and resist the pressure to conform to narratives that dictate positivity.

Associating the good life with feeling good all the time, or even most of the time, limits us.

A good life requires a balanced and realistic approach to happiness.

It requires the pursuit of meaning and purpose by embracing both positive and negative experiences, including the challenges and weirdness of life.

“…happiness and misfortune are brother and sister, and twins, who grow tall together, or, as with you, remain small together!”

- Friedrich Nietzsche