How my small social experiments led to richer interactions
The upside of social awkwardness
About four years ago, I entered a lift on the 11th floor to go to the ground floor of a building. There was already someone inside, also going to the ground floor. In London, we don’t normally interact with strangers in lifts, including greeting each other. I decided to break the norm – as I used do quite frequently in similar moments. I awkwardly said, “You’re very tall.” (He was probably 6’ 4’’!). He glanced at me for a second, then stopped the eye contact, not sure of how to respond. He finally said, “Thank you.” His response triggered a giggle from me, which then triggered one for him, too. I continued, “How do you like being that tall? Does that cause you any trouble at all or lead to awkward questions from strangers in lifts?”
The ride was brief, but we continued our chat even after we got to the ground floor and left the building. We even talked about anxiety felt by so many people in social situations and whether that’s the result of technology and the internet.
To this day, whenever I share a lift with others, I recall this anecdote with a sense of joy. Friends who heard the story describe me as both brave and a bit weird, and that’s precisely what I wanted to be.
I’m strong a advocate for encouraging people to embrace awkwardness and discomfort. Having lived in five countries and travelled extensively, the UK has been my home for the past eight years. While I’m not a big fan of generalisations, I've noticed a commonality: in my experience, at least in London, many people here avoid interactions with strangers, they feel quite uncomfortable during first encounters, especially if the conversation is direct and/or personal. People stend to stick with small talk with people they’re not close to, and small talk is almost always involves weather!
And I get it; it’s normal to shy away from personal conversations with strangers. It’s probably not unique to this country.
But what if these conversations are more valuable than we realise?
Over the last 6 years, I've actively experimented in social situations by intentionally initiating both awkward, direct, and deep conversations, much like the one in that lift. I’ve made a habit of asking surprising questions or sharing something personal. It’s challenging, but it’s also fun. My goal is not making people uncomfortable on purpose, but to have better interactions. It’s also some sort of a strategy to deal with my own discomfort in social situations.
Believe it or not, some of the enriching conversations I've had in my entire life were with people I had just met. But talking to strangers needs a little bit effort; you need to push yourself. While the initial moments can be awkward, people are more receptive to such interactions than we might anticipate. Once past the discomfort, you might yourself engaged in a rich dialogue.
Another memorable experiment occurred at a large social gathering a year ago. I’m usually uneasy in social events, especially in relatively busy ones. I’m pretty sure I look like a scared cat, usually hiding in a corner and wishing for the night to end as soon as possible.
But I such events as opportunities for new and meaningful conversations with strangers – or let’s say for my little personal experiments!
At this particular event, I noticed a lady standing alone, who kept her distance from the crowd – just like me. I approached, saying, “I guess we're both thinking we'd rather be somewhere else.” A hesitant response from her followed, “definitely,”. While my direct and unexpected statement like that can make strangers uneasy, because my goal was to eventually dive into a deeper conversation I shifted into something personal: “Especially because I have a chronic health condition that practically begs me to sit down, as standing increases the pain.” She was taken aback and didn't know how to respond. I could see the discomfort in her face. I was honest, though. I was really in pain. “Shall we find somewhere to sit?” I suggested, and she guided me to an available spot. With humour, I elaborated on my condition, and our conversation turned into ways we each cope with life's challenges and difficulties, the ones that work and those that not, and more. We both felt weird at times, but I also a sense of joy and meaning. Going beyond the small talk was nice.
We often fear that strangers wouldn’t appreciate meaningful conversations that involve some personal disclosure. In reality, though, after some awkward moments, connections grow, and the people we’re speaking to are more interested than we expect. People, when approached by a stranger, are more open and caring in conversations than we think, and they do enjoy deep chats.
Your assumptions about what others will think or feel shouldn’t keep you from initiating meaningful talks. Conversations between strangers can be deep, and more satisfying than you think. Just because something feels awkward, doesn’t mean it’s not fulfilling. In fact, awkwardness actually helps people create a social bond and connection, because it makes us share certain emotions and behaviours in the moment. That’s why instead of perceiving awkwardness as something to avoid, I’ve made my peace with it. It’s still uncomfortable but I embrace it as it shows us that humans are fundamentally social.
Breaking the norms at work
At work, we often pretend not to notice a new colleague we still have not been introduced or avoid conversations. Even when we do, it tends to revolve around the same set of questions or statements (small talk!):
Whereabouts do you live?
Where are you from?
The weather is dreadful today.
Having grown weary of similar questions from almost everyone and tired of small talk, I thought my experiments could come in handy. About 4 years, I decided to experiment with colleagues as well.
I started consulting with a tech company a few months ago, and as I always do, I had 1:1 introductions with everyone in my team. I tried something different with each one. For example, I tried to skip the small talk by asking things like:
What recovery breaks do you have throughout the week?
When was the last time you laughed a lot as a team?
What was one of the sweetest moment you had in this job?
In response, I received a lot of surprise accompanied by friendly smiles. Whenever I ask such questions, people do hesitate in initially, responding with “I don’t know” but with the power of silence, I give them space to think and elaborate. People are not used to being asked such questions by people they just met but they appreciate the opportunity to discuss something personal and have a deeper dialogue. The exchange normally leads to reciprocal inquires, fostering more connection, warmth, and trust.
In online team meetings, while waiting for everyone to join, the small talk revolves around weekends, plans, or again the bloody weather: “how was your weekend?”, “any nice weekend plans?”, “how is everyone’s week going?”. I prefer to inject an element of surprise with an unexpected question or a direct or a personal statement. For instance, I once asked, “where would you rather be right now instead of this meeting?" People were initially hesitant, but one volunteered, saying, "in the park, possibly running," followed by another saying, "anywhere I will not be sitting." We broke the ice and the discomfort of waiting in the company of other people with a personal touched.
On another occasion, I asked, “what was the scariest place you’ve ever been?” We spoke about this for a few minutes, and it was really interesting and uplifting because it delved into personal experiences rather than the boring how grey the sky was that day.
My experiences have shown me that the feeling of awkwardness makes people pay more attention because it creates a sense of interest. It makes us think, elaborate, and care. It’s like a reminder that you exit.
My attempts have never been easy. Sometimes they scare the hell out of me. They require effort and courage, especially in certain environments and cultures. But once you get it right, once you become more accustomed to doing them, once you witness their bonding and connecting capabilities, you feel a lot of pleasant feelings and experience meaning.
Give yourself the permission to be off balance from time to time and to feel the same awkwardness in the company of other people.
Time to challenge yourself
Here are two challenges for you. Feel free to modify them or create your own challenges.
Challenge 1: Initiate a conversation with a stranger in a social gathering on the bus, in the tube, or in a queue. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be something intensely personal, but some level of disclosure is necessary for a meaningful conversation. It will be awkward, and that’s okay. Don’t forget to add a friendly smile while doing it.
Challenge 2: In your next meeting or a social situation, opt for something interesting and surprising to kickstart a conversation instead of resorting to small talk. Ask an intriguing question that require some form of personals sharing. Adjust the level of sharing based on the situation, environment, and the person involved (you might want to be more cautious with your manager!).
Through repeated practice of talking to strangers, sharing something personal when initiating a conversation, or asking a surprising and more personal question instead of a small talk with people you know, you might realise that your assumptions about what people will do or think, how much discomfort you/they will feel, or how much you/they will enjoy the conversation might be exaggerated.
Dr. Selda Koydemir is a London-based psychotherapist and a consultant, a professor at University of Bamberg, and co-founder of Springatlas. Selda is passionate about helping people prevent mental health challenges and improve wellbeing.
Read past issues including:
Comfort feels good, until it doesn’t
Making prevention as sexy as remediation