Learning to become more patient in an impatient world

Patience can be a refusal to conform to the relentless pace of modern life, glorification of instant gratification, speed of communication, and pressure to do more. It can serve as an antidote to boredom and discomfort with uncertainty.

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In 2011, during my volunteer work at an elderly residence in Germany, I had a memorable conversation with a 67-year-old man, Jacob. I can’t describe what an interesting person Jacob was. He was funny, provocative, and full of wisdom.

One day, having observed my general impatience in life and preoccupation with the future, he said “You can’t rush your life into success and happiness.” “You can’t expect to be content with yourself without first learning to be patient.” Having spent years working in and managing restaurants, navigating various customer demands, Peter attributed much of his resilience and success to patience. Apparently, patience had liberated him from frustration and agitation.

But what was interesting was that, to him, patience wasn't about tolerating or ignoring demands, delays, or people but about treating others with integrity, maintaining composure, and knowing when to act and when to pause.

While my education in psychology, life experiences, and maturation have all contributed to exercising patience over the years, Peter’s words urged me to delve deeper into patience.

I used to believe ambition and hard work alone guaranteed success and contentment. I relied heavily on them. Persistence and diligence helped me achieve many goals so far, but I realised that patience was equally essential and it would add much value when exercised with my other strengths.

Impatience has cost me the joy, satisfaction, and meaning in my activities. It has hindered the quality of my work. I moments of frustration, it has driven actions that I would regret later. It has left me mindless in my interactions with myself, others, and my endeavours, and deprived me of introspection.

Over the years, I’ve come to recognise that meaningful relationships require patience. I’ve realised that patience serves as an antidote to impulsivity and is a path to intentionality. I’ve discovered that while goals can be achieved swiftly, doing so with patience, free from haste, yields better outcomes, not only in terms of reaching my goals but of safeguarding my mental health, as well as enjoying the process.

What’s more, patience has enabled me to recognise and appreciate the beauty inherent in people, objects, and experiences. It's through patience that I’ve learned to find what is good and meaningful, and to turn casual interactions into deeper connections.

Today, although the practice of patience is still quite challenging, it’s a deliberate choice I consciously make regularly.

Patience is more than waiting.

Observing someone patiently waiting their turn in a queue often evokes admiration: “what a patient person!”

But just because they’re waiting doesn't necessarily mean they’re being patient. One might be waiting, but filled with frustration and anger, barely holding back from expressing their displeasure. They might be on the verge of bursting out to others and losing control.

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Psychologist Sarah Schnitker defines patience as the capacity to remain calm and composed in the face of adversity, frustration, uncertainty, or delay. True patience involves an understanding that discomfort and pain usually accompany things that are meaningful. Pain, in this sense, can be seen as serving a purpose.

“…patience is also an experience—it involves regulating feelings, thoughts, and behaviours while waiting.” - Ayalet Fishbach

So, true patience isn't just about waiting or delaying gratification; it's about maintaining composure and tranquility from within even though you feel discomfort and unpleasant feelings. It’s not about looking cool from the outside but staying in a self-possessed way – like holding your composure in a traffic where there is nothing to do but wait.

As Jacob told me, patience is also far from resignation or passivity. It’s possible to be actively working towards a goal while waiting for the results. Consider patiently working out to build muscle or patiently helping a child with their homework, regardless of the time it takes. In both scenarios, you’re keeping up with what you’re doing even though you haven’t seen the ultimate results yet.

Poet, essayist, and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience," reminding us that rushing things doesn’t necessarily lead to enduring progress; in fact, small and consistent steps over time build up big gains.

At times, patience involves postponing judgment until clarity on a situation is gained. It’s not about accepting everything as it is but taking a step back to understand and reflect, therefore enabling sound judgment. Patience is often required for good judgment and informed decisions. While we may willingly condemn or reject certain things or people, exercising patience may be necessary before making such judgments.

Give patience a chance.

A friend once told me that she had no time for patience. How ironic. I understand that patience can feel daunting and like a waste of time, or a luxury we cannot afford, especially in environments where speed and efficiency are overvalued.

We're averse to waiting; it's often seen as boring and unproductive. We dislike uncertainty and have little tolerance for situations where waiting is imposed by others. We feel vulnerable and powerless in such instances. We’ve become conditioned to speed: we want to go fast, do fast, think fast, and talk fast. We want results now. We have little tolerance for discomfort.  

But the practice of patience pays off. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about waiting forever without action While there is a time and place for speed or stepping in, there is equal value in stepping back and slowing down.

People fear patience because they tend to associate it with inaction, resignation, or restraint. But patience does not prevent us from getting started or doing what needs to be done; rather, it influences the way we do things, the manner we approach tasks and activities, the thoughtfulness we invest in our actions, and how we relate to our emotions. For example, you can still give up, protest, or oppose in the face of a delay; but when you’re exercising patience, you do those in a more composed way.  

So, challenge and resist the conventional notion of patience as synonymous with powerlessness, inaction, or unproductivity. Instead, perceive it as a broader concept transcending mere waiting, encompassing purposeful action.

Initiating the practice of patience is difficult for many people, as highlighted by research by Dai and Fishbach. However, their findings also reveal a fascinating trend: as people exercise patience and experience its value, they tend to find it easier and making patience habitual becomes less effortful.

So, ultimately, patience is a skill honed through practice.

Here are 3 tips based on science for cultivating patience.

Connect with your future self.

When we establish a connection with our future selves, we tend to exhibit more socially responsible and intentional behaviours, mitigating impulsivity. Strengthening intertemporal patience enables us to make short-term sacrifices for long-term benefits. For instance, Bryan and Hershfield, in their study, found that increased connection to one's future self resulted in higher financial savings.

Connecting with our future selves can be achieved through activities such as writing a letter to our future self or focusing on our future needs and activities. This connection prompts us to consider of the long-term benefits of current actions (such as exercising, healthy eating, working on a project, establishing a relationship with someone), thereby facilitating patience. Here is an article by Shayla Love, who tells us everything we need to know about how to connect with our future selves.

Focus on liking and quality.

According to a research study by Roberts, Shaddy, and Fishbach, liking is an important factor in our willingness to wait for superior outcomes. Reminding ourselves why we appreciate what we're waiting for—whether it's a person, service, or goal—enhances our patience. Even in situations where waiting is less enjoyable, focusing on the importance of the outcome can bolster our ability to wait patiently. Trust me, most of the time patience does have a real benefit in many situations, whether it’s financial, personal, job-related, or relational.

Pause and wait before making a choice or a decision.

Before making a decision or a choice, we can consciously pause and wait. Scientific evidence shows that people who waited longer to receive their desired target (such as a payment) tended to make more patient decisions (such as saving more instead of spending money immediately).

Waiting to choose or make a decision can give us additional time and the mind space to make more intentional choices, and avoid impulsive actions.

My personal strategies for building patience

• For improving patience with other people, I remind myself the fact that everyone is different, and that relationships need nurturing, understanding, and occasional compromise. But it’s essential to recognise that patience doesn’t equate to enduring manipulative or abusive behaviour. Tolerating such behaviours isn’t an act of patience but rather a form of ignorance. True patience in relationships involves maintaining composure and intentionality while pursuing significant goals within the relationship. It requires a steadfast focus on the bigger picture—what the relationship means to me, its value, and the mutual growth it offers.

• If the situation is out of my control, I turn it into an opportunity by thinking it from a different vantage point: could it be an opportunity for me to rest, reflect, spend more time with others, learn something new, or just enjoy? For situations within my control, I make a list of the things I can do and execute them. After that, I try to let go, knowing that I’ve done the things I could do.   

• If I have a significant, big goal, I break it down into smaller ones and focus on them, instead of fixating on the end result. This allows me to maintain focus on the small actions and the progress, which reduces impatience, fosters a deeper commitment, and prevents rushing things.

• I reflect on instances where impatience led to problems or setbacks. This serves as a powerful reminder of the consequences of impatience and motivate me to exercise patience in current situations.

Patience is an invitation to a broadened vision, a calm mind, openness to listening and learning, and making sense of ourselves. It’s a commitment to our values despite the challenges. While it’s sometimes waiting for things to pass, it’s also knowing when to actively address the challenges and obstacles.

I’m grateful for those who have been patient with me throughout my life: my friends, my parents, my colleagues, and my students. Their patience made my life better.

Thanks for reading Modern Virtue. I’m a London-based psychotherapist, an organisational consultant, a career coach for professionals, and an adjunct professor at the University of Bamberg. I’m passionate about helping people improve their mental health and live a better life.