Let's Talk About Giving Up
Giving up doesn’t guarantee things will always work out perfectly but it can help us live in alignment with ourselves.
I’ve had so many conversations about giving up with friends, family, and students. Years ago, even mentioning it carried a stigma. It wasn’t something you admitted you wanted out loud let alone doing it. But lately, people are speaking more openly about their urge to give up. Sometimes it’s a job, a relationship, a habit, or the clutter piling up in the house. And sometimes, it’s life itself.
A big reason giving up has long been taboo is the way we’ve been taught to frame it: not as a natural decision, but as a defeat. Giving up is seen as proof that we lack discipline, ambition, or resilience. From school to work to relationships, we’re encouraged to power through, double down, and justify our investments, even when the personal cost is mounting. Finishing is celebrated. Giving up is frowned upon. Completion is framed as a virtue, while walking away is treated as something to be ashamed of. The only socially acceptable exceptions tend to be when we’re giving up harmful habits, like addictions.
This mindset remains deeply embedded, largely because we live in cultures that idolise persistence and glorify heroic struggle. We love stories of people pushing through injuries, setbacks, bankruptcy, rejection. Those who refuse to give up and ultimately succeed. And yes, grit matters. A lot of what I’ve achieved has come from stubbornness and persistence in my ambitions.
But what we don’t hear enough about are the people who knew when to stop. The ones who recognised the signs, acknowledged when something wasn’t working, and had the courage to walk away. The ones—myself included—who gave up on certain pursuits to heal, to grow, or to start something new.
Thankfully, this picture is starting to shift. More people are beginning to question the old script. They’re beginning to recognise that sometimes giving up is the smartest, healthiest, and most responsible decision we can make. Not because it feels good immediately—often it doesn’t—but because it can prevent further harm, help rebuild trust in ourselves, and clear space for what’s next. Hanging on too long costs us. And pretending that every goal, habit, or belief deserves the same level of commitment is not only dishonest, it can be dangerous.
While persistence can open doors, it can also keep us stuck in the wrong rooms. Ambition and perseverance have their place. In fact, they can set you ahead of many others, especially when you're striving for something meaningful or competing. But some of life’s deepest pain comes from grit misapplied: people staying in harmful relationships, dragging themselves through jobs they hate, chasing goals that dismantle their wellbeing, living in neighbourhoods that drain them, forcing themselves through hobbies they no longer enjoy, clinging to friendships that leave them hollow, following a diet that leaves you depleted, or sticking with plans that no longer fit simply because they once did.
Another reason this mindset persists is the fear that accepting giving up will lead to a culture of laziness and lack of commitment. Some older generations, especially, worry it’ll lead to a culture where no one sticks with anything hard. They see people walking away from rigid jobs, outdated institutions, and lifeless relationships and call it weakness.
But I’m not advocating for abandoning things at the first sign of discomfort, which, frankly, isn’t our business anyway because everyone’s life is their own and their choices deserve respect. I personally often choose discomfort in pursuit of my goals, to maintain relationships, or to learn something worthwhile. What I’m advocating for is normalising honest conversations about giving up—with ourselves and with others. Though the narrative is shifting, the fear of being seen as a quitter still keeps many people silent, second-guessing choices that might actually set them free. We need to learn to tell the difference between persistence that shapes us and one that erodes us.
The beauty of giving ourselves permission to consider where and when giving up might be useful lies in the nature of change itself. We evolve. Our interests, values, and priorities shift. The world around us changes too. So, rather than seeing giving up as a betrayal of our past selves, why not view it as a celebration of our growth? As a form of courage, a willingness to create something new, an attempt to shape a different future, and an opportunity to be inspired and start again.
There is plenty of research showing how qualities like grit and perseverance can be powerful assets. But there’s also evidence highlighting the importance of knowing when to give up, especially when something no longer serves us. For example, a series of studies consistently showed that the ability to let go of unattainable goals is linked to better health outcomes. Researchers found that individuals who could recognise when a goal was no longer achievable and who could redirect their focus to alternative goals reported better health and stress regulation.
Even small acts of giving up —like stepping back from daily habits instead of constantly pushing through—can make a difference. A study looked at quitting Facebook for five days. Researchers found that people who took a break had lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and despite a slight dip in reported life satisfaction, ultimately experienced less stress overall compared to those who stayed active.
Giving up doesn’t guarantee things will always work out perfectly. But if we see it as a way to live more honestly and in alignment with who we are now, it frees us to focus on what truly matters.
If giving up can serve us, why are we so afraid to do it?
Cultural conditioning and other people’s expectations, as discussed, play a big role. But there’s also a psychological reason: our relationship with loss.
Abandoning a goal, a relationship, an education, or a long-held belief means facing what we’re leaving behind. And loss hurts. Many of us cling to outdated ambitions long past their natural end because the alternative feels unbearable. Modern life, in many ways, is structured around anticipating loss or managing it after it happens. While we don’t often talk about it, the fear of loss shapes many of our decisions.
Yet loss isn’t always a tragedy. In fact, it can be the catalyst for something better. The real danger lies in resisting loss. Refusing to give up means denying the reality of time, change, and vulnerability. It’s a rejection of our own evolving needs and desires.
Leaving a high-paying but rigid job to be present for your children might look like career failure on paper, but it could be the greatest success of your personal life. Choosing rest over endless hustle isn’t glamorous, but it might be the wisest thing you ever do for your physical and mental health. Letting go of a project you’ve outgrown can make room for work that excites you again. Moving away from a city you once loved might feel like abandoning a dream, but it could be the first step toward a life that actually fits who you are now.
One of the most insightful books I’ve read on this is Judith Viorst’s Necessary Losses. She writes:
The road to human development is paved with renunciation. Throughout our life we grow by giving up. We give up some of our deepest attachments to others. We give up certain cherished parts of ourselves. We must confront, in the dreams we dream, as well as in our intimate relationships, all that we never will have and never will be. Passionate investment leaves us vulnerable to loss. And sometimes, no matter how clever we are, we must lose… It is only through our losses that we become fully developed human beings.
Viorst reminds us that investment inevitably leaves us vulnerable to loss. And sometimes, no matter how clever or persistent we are, we must lose. Learning to grieve loss without falling apart—or turning it into heroism—is a key part of maturity, and essential for making peace with giving up.
How can we begin to make room for giving up?
Giving up is rarely easy. The familiar feels safe, even when it’s miserable. But know that rigidity comes at a price. Life requires flexibility, the ability to adjust, pivot, and recalibrate. Just as persistence has its place, so does the ability to give up and move with change. When we can sit with the discomfort of not knowing exactly what comes next, we give ourselves the chance to be surprised.
This ability to adapt is echoed in research on career decisions, where the idea of career adaptability highlights the value of staying open to new directions, and trusting that you can learn new skills and change your goals as you go. People who embrace this mindset tend to feel more satisfied in their work, perform better, and spot new opportunities more easily. And while careers offer a clear example, this principle holds just as true in the rest of life.
Giving up something doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be gradual and thoughtful. Sometimes it’s about small pivots: giving up old clothes one piece at a time, slowly phasing out a habit, or quietly stepping away from a dream that no longer fits. For some people, it’s a firm “I’m done with this.” For others, it’s a redirection: “I’ll swap this goal for a different one.” And sometimes it’s simply a gentle attempt: “I’ll see what happens if I step away from this for now.”
Seen this way, giving up becomes more about experimentation. It’s a way of testing what happens when you loosen your grip on something and pay attention to what it frees up. It might hurt, it might feel strange, or it might open a door you hadn’t noticed before. Either way, it teaches you something about your fears around giving up and about what truly matters to you right now.
When dealing with these moments, I find certain questions helpful:
“What would my life look like if I gave up this habit, this job, this relationship, this expectation, this belief?”
“If nothing changed in the next year—not hypothetically, but exactly as things are right now—would I still want to be here, own this thing, experience this situation?”
“What’s the cost of holding on to this, both now and in the future?”
"What would I miss if I gave up?"
Of course, some decisions are messier than others. Walking away from a relationship, a job, or a long-held ambition can carry heavier consequences. Sometimes it’s worth trying to repair what’s broken before walking away. Many people and things in life are worth fighting for. But some aren’t. Wisdom lies in learning how to tell the difference. When things feel blurry, taking a step back to gain perspective or seeking the honest insight of trusted friends can make all the difference.
No matter the form, giving something up almost always leaves an ache behind. But as we learn to make peace with loss, to reframe what it means to give up, and to embrace the trade-offs and flexibility that a good life demands, it begins to hurt a little less.
And while I’m doing what many writers have done, especially over the past decade, by opening up a conversation about giving up and helping to normalise it, I have no intention of romanticising or idolising the act itself. Neither giving up nor never giving up makes us a hero. Both can serve us well or harm us, depending on the situation, the timing, the people involved, and countless other factors.
I’m curious—what has been your experience with giving up? Let me know in the comments.
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This resonates so deeply at this juncture of my life. Thank you for taking the time to share words that I know will help my husband and I have deeper, more focused conversations around the life choices we are facing. Thank you. Thank you.
Brilliant article and so insightful. I'm 67 and of a generation that were taught never to give up; in many ways, that need never to be seen as/feel weak has kept me stuck in so many ways and I'm now renouncing so many beliefs I held about myself, my life and relationships. Sometimes letting go and giving up actually frees us to live the life we're meant to live and not what others think we should do. Thank you for such an interesting and thoughtful piece 🙂 Karen