The Resentment You Don't See Coming

How unspoken expectations, rigid rules, and sacrifices build resentment

Resentment doesn’t announce itself loudly. It shows up indirectly: in a passive-aggressive text, an awkward silence after a sharp joke, a harsh remark disguised as feedback, or the frustration of watching someone do what you never allow yourself to.

What’s interesting about resentment is that it builds gradually—settling in unnoticed until one day, it’s impossible to ignore.

At its core, resentment is often a response to perceived unfairness. A friend repeatedly cancels plans at the last minute, a colleague takes credit for your ideas, or your efforts in a relationship go unnoticed. Over time, small disappointments harden into bitterness, usually accompanied by anger, and sometimes even shame.

But resentment isn’t always about being wronged or treated unfairly. It can also come from our own unspoken rules and expectations, unnecessary sacrifices, the ways we suppress ourselves, and rigid thinking. The problem is that we don’t always recognise resentment when there’s no clear wrongdoing by someone else. Instead, when we feel resentful, we often assume we’ve been treated unfairly.