Why Do We Keep Repeating Painful Experiences?

Understanding why we keep falling into harmful behavioural patterns

Nobody wants to suffer, yet somehow, we find ourselves in the same painful situations over and over again. We repeatedly fall into relationships that mirror old wounds, get in the way of our own progress, invite unnecessary hardship, replay past distressing experiences, or instinctively shy away from happiness.

A lot of people come to therapy wondering why they keep running into the same painful patterns. They feel stuck, believing that suffering is something that simply happens to them—a result of bad luck, misfortune, or the fault of others. What a lot of people don’t see, or don’t want to admit, is the role they play in keeping these cycles going. This isn't because they deliberately seek suffering, but because deep-seated psychological forces shape their choices and reactions.

On the surface, these patterns don’t always make sense. We watch friends and family make the same mistakes again and again and think, “Why don’t they just stop?’" Maybe we even see the same patterns in our own lives—things that seem to follow us around no matter what we do—but we feel stuck or just don’t know where they come from.

These patterns often work in the background of our minds, which is why it can be so hard to break free from them. Most of the time, we’re not even fully aware of what’s keeping us stuck or why we start destructive relationships. Some of these patterns are rooted in early experiences that shaped what we expect from life and relationships. Others come from cognitive biases that keep us repeating familiar, even painful, patterns.

Here are four common, and sometimes surprising, reasons why we might keep reliving painful experiences.