I’ve been co-workers, friends, engaged, and, two years after we met, married to my wife. I look at her, talk with her, have the time of my life doing the simplest, most mundane things with her, and I think, “What’s not to love about her?” And though she’s human, and fallible from time to time, I still can’t think of any reason not to love her with all my heart. In forty-three years we’ve had about five arguments where we actually raised our voices and I’m 0 and 5, so I know better than to argue with her anymore. She’s got a confidence, an aggressive, vampy side to her, like the old silent film temptresses who said things like “Kiss me, you fool!” to their male co-stars. She’s got a smutty little laugh that other men adore. I can tell her I love her fifty times a day and she wants to hear it even more. She knows that she has no competition anywhere, anytime, ever, and she just basks in the way I constantly boast about the way I have the best wife in the world. When her blue eyes meet and hold my brown eyes we don’t have to say a word, it’s all there in our gaze. I tell people that I let God pick my wife for me because I knew I’d screw it up if I tried to do it on my own. In less than a month we will be celebrating our forty-first wedding anniversary, God willing, and we are more in love than ever. Imagine a honeymoon that has lasted for more than four decades. I’ve messed up a lot of things in my life, but I am one-hundred percent sure that I asked the right girl to marry me, and that’s what keeps us both alive and happy through the trials of aging, chronic illness and constant pain. If I were single and I met her today I’d ask her to marry me in a heartbeat.
I think there is a serious question as to what *kind* of reasons we want in the context of love. Because it's easy to get confused.
For instance: you ask me why I am going to spend a day in the city. I give you a reason -- there's a great restaurant. This is supposed to, at least in principle, be a reason *you* might visit the very same city. This is the kind of reason of an argument or proof, and the thought goes that if you have enough of THESE reasons, then youll simply have to (on pain of irrationality) go to the city.
Now, this is certainly very different from the reasons of love. And I think we are in agreement that to ask for these kinds of reasons in the case of love is just plain silly. If you ask me why I love my partner. I'd better hope the reasons I give you don't make you fall in love with her too!
But I don't know that this means that love is beyond reasons. Perhaps it just operates with reasons of a different kind? Maybe they're more like the reasons that one finds a piece of art beautiful.
You ask me: what is it about the Rothko that draws your attention. I point over to the left black corner, and say that it just speaks to me. You don't have to get it, but maybe you understand me a bit more. And certainly, CERTAINLY, my appreciation of the painting won't have been exhausted. But you'll also maybe understand me a bit more.
And of course: I don't need to say anything to you! Justification isn't important here. I might respond: "It just speaks to me." Or "Rothko has a way with these things, that's all I can tell you. Or "I have no words!" These are bad arguments, but asking for reasons in this context, and I think also in the context of love, is more about understanding and empathy than it is about argument. Thank God for that!
Thank you for your comments, Lucas. I agree that there can, indeed, be reasons to love. My point is about the relentless search for "good enough" reasons and its dangers. As you pointed out, just because love cannot be explained by traits doesn't mean there can be no reason. My argument is that love doesn't rely on fixed, rational, transferable reasons, and basing love entirely on traits can make it fragile. This is not to say that there are no reasons. Perhaps I could have been clearer about that. Thank you!
wow, you r truly blessed!! good for u❤️
I’ve been co-workers, friends, engaged, and, two years after we met, married to my wife. I look at her, talk with her, have the time of my life doing the simplest, most mundane things with her, and I think, “What’s not to love about her?” And though she’s human, and fallible from time to time, I still can’t think of any reason not to love her with all my heart. In forty-three years we’ve had about five arguments where we actually raised our voices and I’m 0 and 5, so I know better than to argue with her anymore. She’s got a confidence, an aggressive, vampy side to her, like the old silent film temptresses who said things like “Kiss me, you fool!” to their male co-stars. She’s got a smutty little laugh that other men adore. I can tell her I love her fifty times a day and she wants to hear it even more. She knows that she has no competition anywhere, anytime, ever, and she just basks in the way I constantly boast about the way I have the best wife in the world. When her blue eyes meet and hold my brown eyes we don’t have to say a word, it’s all there in our gaze. I tell people that I let God pick my wife for me because I knew I’d screw it up if I tried to do it on my own. In less than a month we will be celebrating our forty-first wedding anniversary, God willing, and we are more in love than ever. Imagine a honeymoon that has lasted for more than four decades. I’ve messed up a lot of things in my life, but I am one-hundred percent sure that I asked the right girl to marry me, and that’s what keeps us both alive and happy through the trials of aging, chronic illness and constant pain. If I were single and I met her today I’d ask her to marry me in a heartbeat.
This is lovely, Rafael.
I think there is a serious question as to what *kind* of reasons we want in the context of love. Because it's easy to get confused.
For instance: you ask me why I am going to spend a day in the city. I give you a reason -- there's a great restaurant. This is supposed to, at least in principle, be a reason *you* might visit the very same city. This is the kind of reason of an argument or proof, and the thought goes that if you have enough of THESE reasons, then youll simply have to (on pain of irrationality) go to the city.
Now, this is certainly very different from the reasons of love. And I think we are in agreement that to ask for these kinds of reasons in the case of love is just plain silly. If you ask me why I love my partner. I'd better hope the reasons I give you don't make you fall in love with her too!
But I don't know that this means that love is beyond reasons. Perhaps it just operates with reasons of a different kind? Maybe they're more like the reasons that one finds a piece of art beautiful.
You ask me: what is it about the Rothko that draws your attention. I point over to the left black corner, and say that it just speaks to me. You don't have to get it, but maybe you understand me a bit more. And certainly, CERTAINLY, my appreciation of the painting won't have been exhausted. But you'll also maybe understand me a bit more.
And of course: I don't need to say anything to you! Justification isn't important here. I might respond: "It just speaks to me." Or "Rothko has a way with these things, that's all I can tell you. Or "I have no words!" These are bad arguments, but asking for reasons in this context, and I think also in the context of love, is more about understanding and empathy than it is about argument. Thank God for that!
Thank you for your comments, Lucas. I agree that there can, indeed, be reasons to love. My point is about the relentless search for "good enough" reasons and its dangers. As you pointed out, just because love cannot be explained by traits doesn't mean there can be no reason. My argument is that love doesn't rely on fixed, rational, transferable reasons, and basing love entirely on traits can make it fragile. This is not to say that there are no reasons. Perhaps I could have been clearer about that. Thank you!