Things about emotions I wish I knew as a teenager – Part 1

Guideposts for navigating emotions

Growing up is tough, and it certainly wasn’t easy for me. It was a rollercoaster of experiences, some thrilling, others downright terrifying. But amid all the chaos, one element stood out: emotions.

If you’ve been following me, you know how deeply I connect with the topic of emotions. It’s a subject close to my heart, perhaps because I remember all too well the turbulence of my emotional life.

Like many, I struggled with regulating my emotions during my teenage years and young adulthood. I was constantly overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings. I wondered why happiness seemed fleeting, why I couldn’t control my anger, and why I wasn’t able to shake off those emotions that felt like unwelcome guests.

I didn’t learn much about emotions from my parents or teachers. Looking back, there are so many things I wish I had known about emotions—insights that could have eased my journey and lessened the pain for both myself and those around me. Not that I don’t struggle with emotions anymore; trust me, I do, even after years of training, research, and personal work.

Although I regularly share insights about emotions either in this newsletter or social media, I’ve decided to write a special series to share some lessons I wish I had learned as a teenager. Think of these as guideposts for navigating emotions.

This piece will give you the first half, with more to come in the next part. While I may have learned them later in life, I firmly believe that it’s never too late—or too early—for self-discovery and growth. These lessons have enriched my life immeasurably over the past decade, and I hope that they’ll do the same for you.

LESSON 1. Happiness is not our default state.

I fell into the trap that many of us do—I thought happiness was a state we must achieve at all costs. This relentless pursuit often left me disappointed and even miserable when I couldn’t attain it. It took me a long time to realise that our natural state isn’t one of constant happiness. The idea of perpetual happiness is a myth.

The truth is, we are biologically wired to experience a range of emotions. Even the painful ones. These emotions are essential signals designed to keep us safe and prompt us to take necessary actions. The so-called ‘negative’ emotions are vital in shaping us. A bit of dissatisfaction motivates us to make changes. Confusion and self-doubt can spark growth and foster humility. Sadness can lead to deeper reflection and even creativity.

Constantly chasing happiness can be unhealthy and isolating. It makes us overlook the value of other emotions and distracts us from what truly matters in life. Happiness is wonderful. It has many benefits. But I’ve come to believe it’s a place to visit rather than a place to live.

A fulfilling life and genuine sense of satisfaction is more about learning to compassionately open up to and accept different emotions rather than feeling good all the time. As Nietzsche said, “…happiness and misfortune are brother and sister, and twins, who grow tall together, or, as with you, remain small together!”

LESSON 2. Feeling bad is not a failure.

You know the feeling. Anger wells up, and you’re ashamed of it. Sadness sets in, and you blame yourself. You think what you’re feeling is just wrong.

Some emotions feel terrible, but the real harm comes from feeling bad about feeling bad and thinking that you’re faulty just because you feel something that doesn’t feel pleasant. Dealing with emotions like anger, disappointment, frustration, and guilt can indeed be tough. These feelings can leave us vulnerable, confused, and unsure. But discomfort or even pain are normal; experiencing these emotions doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you’re broken.

Emotions are indicators of our needs and desires. They are our close allies—allies that need to be heard rather than shut down or dismissed.

Learning to recognise and embrace these emotions as natural responses helps us understand ourselves better and navigate our experiences with more empathy and self-compassion. Life throws inevitable disappointments and unpredictable events our way. No need to categorise emotions as good or bad. . By allowing ourselves to feel our emotions with less judgment, we better understand their origins and what they’re telling us about our needs, and we become more accepting of them.

I still remind myself that it’s okay to feel awful sometimes. The best thing about this acceptance is that it frees me from the pressure to appear happy and perfect. It allows me to be more authentic and compassionate with myself and others.

LESSON 3. The more we push an emotion, the stronger it gets.

It’s tempting to escape from or ignore difficult emotions. For years, I buried myself in work and activities to avoid feeling lonely, sad, or angry. It did work for a while.  but chronic stress eventually caught up with me, hitting even harder.  Suppressing feelings that we don’t like or sweeping them under the rug may offer temporary relief. But it’s an illusion. Avoidance prevents us from processing emotions, causing them to resurface more intensely later.

Avoiding unpleasant emotions also dulls our ability to experience more desirable emotions. By rejecting feelings like sadness, anger, or disappointment, we shut ourselves off from the joys of connection, compassion, love, and meaning. Imagine choosing to stay away from close relationships just to avoid being hurt. This might protect you from pain, but it also robs you of the fulfilment that comes from deep connections, which can result in pain itself.

Emotions are a package deal. You can’t selectively numb the bad without also numbing the good. By facing our emotions head-on, we allow ourselves to experience the full spectrum of human feelings. It’s not easy. It’s even painful at times. But it’s a courageous act that enriches our experiences and deepens our relationships. It demands vulnerability, but the rewards are immeasurable.

LESSON 4. Emotions are temporary but have no deadline.

Ever felt like your sadness will never go away? Or that your guilt will stay forever? Or you’ll be anxious all the time? While some emotions can become chronic and stick around for a long time, most of them are temporary. Realising this has served as an anchor for me, helping me stay grounded during difficult times.

When you’re experiencing an intense unpleasant emotion, it can feel like it will stay with you forever at the same intensity. Some emotions may linger longer or have a stronger impact, but they all come and go or at least lose their intensity over time. In a world obsessed with quick fixes, understanding that emotions don’t have an expiration date can be liberating. Emotions such as sadness, loneliness, or anger don't adhere to a strict timeline. And it’s okay.  

Emotions that stick around longer can be normal. You might never lose the sadness over losing someone, but the emotion might transform over time. It’s okay to feel love, sadness, or sorrow long after a loss. Some emotions persist because they’re tied to unresolved issues or unmet needs, like shame or guilt. By acknowledging and exploring them, we can uncover underlying concerns and work toward healing. This requires patience, as emotional resolution cannot be rushed. Expecting emotions to disappear within a set timeframe disregards their role in our psychological and emotional development.

Emotions are cyclical. Old wounds might resurface. Emotions we thought we had dealt with might come back. Understanding that emotions are not linear and that they can ebb and flow is crucial for our emotional well-being.

LESSON 5. Our emotional reactions are not always about the present.

Your colleague suggests reading your report and offering feedback. It’s a low-stakes situation and the suggestion is meant to be helpful. But suddenly, you feel overly anxious and defensive. Later, when you take the time to reflect, you realise your reaction wasn't really about your colleague’s comment. Instead, it was tied to old wounds from previous roles where you were criticised harshly.

Understanding that your emotional reactions might be echoes from your past can help you approach them with curiosity and a desire to heal old wounds. In the heat of the moment, we look for someone or something to blame for our difficult feelings, including ourselves. Yet, the occurrence of an emotion doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the fault of someone or something specific in the present.

By recognising and acknowledging the roots of our emotional reactions, we might see that our current emotional state may be influenced by past experiences, not just the immediate situation. This opens the door to self-discovery, giving us the tools to address and process unresolved emotions.

By recognizing and acknowledging the roots of our emotional reactions, we can see that our current emotional state may be influenced by past experiences, not just the immediate situation. This opens the door to self-discovery, giving us the tools to address and process unresolved emotions.

LESSON 6. Slowing down serves as an antidote for managing difficult emotions.

When my emotions ran high, my natural instinct was to react immediately. I acted on my anger by reacting defensively or unkindly. I acted on feelings of rejection by punishing myself. I didn’t realise there were better ways to manage my emotions. These knee-jerk reactions often led to actions that didn’t align with my values.

Just because we're experiencing a strong emotion doesn't mean we have to act on it immediately. We have the option to be present with the emotion, take a pause, or return to it later when we’re in a better state to respond. I understand the urgency—I really do. But giving ourselves the time and space to process these emotions before reacting can prevent impulsive decisions and allow for more thoughtful and effective responses.

Slowing down is a superpower. It’s an overlooked, underrated tool for managing difficult emotions. It allows us to take a step back and process what we’re feeling, creating a buffer between feeling and reacting. Whether it's taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, or simply taking a moment to sit quietly, giving yourself some space helps navigate challenging situations with greater clarity and calmness.

This clarity helps us understand the cause of our emotions: are we truly angry at the person in front of us, or is there an underlying issue that needs addressing? It also creates that crucial buffer between emotion and behaviour: does my reply to their email reflect how I want to show up, or is it clouded by my anger?

This is it for Part 1. Stay tuned for the next instalment, where I’ll share more lessons on navigating the emotional rollercoaster, including practical strategies for better emotional wellbeing.

See you in the next post!