I really resonated with the idea that when we are asking for someone who is emotionally mature, we are in search of dynamics where we aren’t crying the weight of the relationship alone. These days, my desire is partnership that embraces the ugly in order to support growth. Maybe the best relationships are the ones where emotional maturity is built together.
Exactly! We evolve in relationships and we need to normalise the willingness to teach and learn in a relationship. And of course normalise the fact that we cannot expect the two people to be the same when it comes to emotional maturity. A huge gap can be a blocker though.
Yes, it is certainly reasonable before 40 as well, and when we get down to it, it's not any particular age as much as where someone started by early adulthood, and what the person did with to keep growing after8988
There's the real question. Maturity of any kind isn't tied to age as what someone has learned along the way. It's a "doing" thing that comes with dedication and practice.
Though I am not “red-pilled,” I enjoy watching Manosphere content from time to time online and discussing it with my wife. A common complaint of red pill guys is that on dating apps 80% of the women are chasing 20% of the men, and that the most preferred men are of the 6-6-6 variety (six feet tall, high six-figure income and six-pack abs). Conversely, women often complain that men aren’t interested in dating ladies who are overweight, deeply involved in their careers, or past the optimum childbearing age, supposedly 18 to 28. (Insert own numbers here.) The question this raises is how can the survey-takers be certain that the respondents are being honest? I have another question, how can we differentiate between respondents who are deliberately deceptive and those who are unknowingly dishonest with themselves about the traits they are looking for in a partner? As always, Good Doctor, thanks for an excellent, well-written (meaning clear, and unequivocal) essay sharing your thoughts on dating in 2025.
These are good points. There is always bias in self-reports. Due to social desirability bias, people might be responding in a way that is deceptive. That's a risk. But in some studies this bias is measured and statistically controlled, which helps. In the surveys about dating I shared, though, this is not mainstream. They are less reliable than empirical research studies with better methodologies.
Is the link in the article going to the correct journal entry? It appears to be citing “How Gender Differences in Emotional Cutoff and Reactivity Influence Couple’s Sexual and Relational Outcomes” which doesn’t appear to touch on the assortative preferences you describe.
There are plenty such as emotional intelligence, emotional competence, self-awareness, empathy, responsiveness etc. But they are all distinct though related, and measured distinctively. I haven’t come across a theory or model of emotional maturity.
I have seen a similar trend myself, especially among women. It's an important one but you'e right that the meaning might be a bit vague. My understanding of emotional maturity is acting in a mature way even when the emotions get intense or conversations get heated. But it's also about the willingness to engage with emotions. Not all the time for sure but when we need to create connection and intimacy. Which is something men tend to avoid more I guess.
Emotional maturity does not develop in a vacuum. My 32-year old daughter believes she can have authentic relationships with men without ever developing the emotional maturity of accepting the responsibilities of nurturing a relationship with us (40 years married). Emotional maturity requires accepting some responsibility for the feelings and needs of another human being you are in a relationship with. Authentic emotional maturity consists of being aware of when and if another person’s needs and feelings and actions are destructive to your own autonomy and emotional well-being.
We failed to realize we had allowed our daughter’s ambition to hide an awful truth—she feels no responsibility for or interest in the feelings and needs of her own mother. But, sadly, it has taken me nearly 3 years to convince my husband that I deserved better because it has taken me three years to convince myself I deserved better. Because I had developed an enormous endurance to chronic neglect, abuse, and disparagement of my feelings that only occasionally would accumulate and then boil over into an emotion—anger. That many family members then used against me to disparage and abuse my feelings further. It has been a vicious cycle of abuse, all initiated by my father, continued by my brother, contributed to by my mother-in-law, ignored by my husband, then passed down to my daughter. My son has been trying to break the cycle. But only because he has been willing to work on and maintain a relationship with me. It’s through the nurturing of relationships that emotional maturity develops. Without relationship with your own parents, emotional maturity, and thus authenticity, is not possible.
I really resonated with the idea that when we are asking for someone who is emotionally mature, we are in search of dynamics where we aren’t crying the weight of the relationship alone. These days, my desire is partnership that embraces the ugly in order to support growth. Maybe the best relationships are the ones where emotional maturity is built together.
Exactly! We evolve in relationships and we need to normalise the willingness to teach and learn in a relationship. And of course normalise the fact that we cannot expect the two people to be the same when it comes to emotional maturity. A huge gap can be a blocker though.
Emotional maturity can look like saying: “I am not ready to have this conversation right now.”
That's a good one!
It also is saying, “I am not ready yet.”
Yes, I think being able to express our needs is important. In a way that is clear and direct. Maturity requires that sort of openness.
I think it's entirely reasonable for someone over 40...
Yes, it is reasonable. Before 40 too.
Yes, it is certainly reasonable before 40 as well, and when we get down to it, it's not any particular age as much as where someone started by early adulthood, and what the person did with to keep growing after8988
There's the real question. Maturity of any kind isn't tied to age as what someone has learned along the way. It's a "doing" thing that comes with dedication and practice.
Though I am not “red-pilled,” I enjoy watching Manosphere content from time to time online and discussing it with my wife. A common complaint of red pill guys is that on dating apps 80% of the women are chasing 20% of the men, and that the most preferred men are of the 6-6-6 variety (six feet tall, high six-figure income and six-pack abs). Conversely, women often complain that men aren’t interested in dating ladies who are overweight, deeply involved in their careers, or past the optimum childbearing age, supposedly 18 to 28. (Insert own numbers here.) The question this raises is how can the survey-takers be certain that the respondents are being honest? I have another question, how can we differentiate between respondents who are deliberately deceptive and those who are unknowingly dishonest with themselves about the traits they are looking for in a partner? As always, Good Doctor, thanks for an excellent, well-written (meaning clear, and unequivocal) essay sharing your thoughts on dating in 2025.
These are good points. There is always bias in self-reports. Due to social desirability bias, people might be responding in a way that is deceptive. That's a risk. But in some studies this bias is measured and statistically controlled, which helps. In the surveys about dating I shared, though, this is not mainstream. They are less reliable than empirical research studies with better methodologies.
Thank you. Now this makes a lot more sense to me.
Is the link in the article going to the correct journal entry? It appears to be citing “How Gender Differences in Emotional Cutoff and Reactivity Influence Couple’s Sexual and Relational Outcomes” which doesn’t appear to touch on the assortative preferences you describe.
You're right, I've just amended it. The correct link is this one https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6082652/
Thanks for flagging it!
I appreciate this post. So I wonder how do psychologists and researchers study this concept? What is the closest academic concept?
There are plenty such as emotional intelligence, emotional competence, self-awareness, empathy, responsiveness etc. But they are all distinct though related, and measured distinctively. I haven’t come across a theory or model of emotional maturity.
I have seen a similar trend myself, especially among women. It's an important one but you'e right that the meaning might be a bit vague. My understanding of emotional maturity is acting in a mature way even when the emotions get intense or conversations get heated. But it's also about the willingness to engage with emotions. Not all the time for sure but when we need to create connection and intimacy. Which is something men tend to avoid more I guess.
Thank you, Raymond. I agree with your definition, the qualities you mentioned make a lot of sense.
Ah, yes. This.
Emotional maturity does not develop in a vacuum. My 32-year old daughter believes she can have authentic relationships with men without ever developing the emotional maturity of accepting the responsibilities of nurturing a relationship with us (40 years married). Emotional maturity requires accepting some responsibility for the feelings and needs of another human being you are in a relationship with. Authentic emotional maturity consists of being aware of when and if another person’s needs and feelings and actions are destructive to your own autonomy and emotional well-being.
We failed to realize we had allowed our daughter’s ambition to hide an awful truth—she feels no responsibility for or interest in the feelings and needs of her own mother. But, sadly, it has taken me nearly 3 years to convince my husband that I deserved better because it has taken me three years to convince myself I deserved better. Because I had developed an enormous endurance to chronic neglect, abuse, and disparagement of my feelings that only occasionally would accumulate and then boil over into an emotion—anger. That many family members then used against me to disparage and abuse my feelings further. It has been a vicious cycle of abuse, all initiated by my father, continued by my brother, contributed to by my mother-in-law, ignored by my husband, then passed down to my daughter. My son has been trying to break the cycle. But only because he has been willing to work on and maintain a relationship with me. It’s through the nurturing of relationships that emotional maturity develops. Without relationship with your own parents, emotional maturity, and thus authenticity, is not possible.