Thank you so much, Good Doctor, for this explanation of how people who are constantly looking outside themselves can become very unhappy with the way their lives are going. Maybe I’ve been practicing self-deception for over sixty years, but all I’ve ever wanted to be is myself. I can’t say why I’ve been able to accept myself just the way I am. I’ve never felt much inclination to give in to peer pressure, and I’ve always prided myself on being what was known as a Rugged Individualist. I don’t hear that term very often nowadays but when I was growing up in the 1960s that was considered a very cool thing to be. A look at popular fiction and movies of the late Sixties and early Seventies will show that some of the most influential and respected entertainment of that era reflected that mindset. I turned eighteen in 1977, having missed out on being drafted for the Vietnam War by a few years. Prior to that in the USA a lot of people my age wanted to tear society down and start all over again. Nowadays it seems very naive to think that a minority of college students could remake an entire civilization, but the US government was worried enough that the FBI kept detailed files on student leaders and infiltrated groups such as the Students for Democratic Society. Quite a few of us thought that making money was a lot less important than pursuing spirituality, creativity and inner peace in our lives. There was a lot of illegal drug use and involvement with the occult as well. A lot of this was purely foolish and dangerous, especially playing around with hallucinogenic drugs. The Sexual Revolution was phony too, because a lot of guys just espoused it in order to take advantage of women without having any commitment or responsibility. This is a very brief history of the age that I grew up in. Though I supported a lot of those practices and objectives I never became personally involved with the Counterculture. I was too busy pursuing my music career and writing fantasy novels and stories. I was quite content to work unskilled day jobs to support my other passions. When my dreams of success as a musician and novelist began to fizzle I joined the Navy and managed quite well to exist with someone else telling me what to do all the time, in spite of my rebellious and passive aggressive tendencies. At that time I met the girl who would become my wife and we shared a lot of the same views about life. The most important thing to me was making her feel happy and loved. Through good fortune or Divine Providence, my wife’s main goal has been the same toward me. Now that I’m in my late sixties I feel almost exactly the same as I did when I was eighteen. My college education seems like a waste and most of the things I wanted to learn came through my own reading and experiences. My wife and I seem to be a couple of pretty rare birds. We’re almost completely alike in that we don’t care about what other people own and what they do. Is this really the way we are, or have we both been living a life of elaborate self-deception? I can’t say for certain, but I think that we are both very happy “doing our own thing,” and that we will remain that way until the angels come for us. ‘Bye for now, Good Doctor, and thank you for inspiring me to think about something that has come naturally to me for as long as I can remember!
Dear Selda, thank you for sharing this. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and appreciated how you presented the pros and cons, along with some surprising insights from research.
I particularly like your idea about stepping back—not simply reacting to what our feelings seem to tell us, but examining them from a bit more distance, almost a meta-perspective. Is this really about hair and beauty that I envy, or is it more about a history of different kinds of attention, praise, and love that fuels this feeling of envy?
Additionally, reframing social inspiration as opposed to comparison represents a significant shift in perspective.
And hey, who knew even the great Kafka had his moments of incredible doubt? :)
This is so insightful and I resonate with so much of it. When I was teaching exercise classes, I sometimes used to be very self critical as I tended to focus on educating people, rather than being a 'fun' performer. My classes were always full, so I know people appreciated my teaching style. I often check myself nowadays when I start feeling I should be 'doing' when I'm enjoying just 'being'. It's taken me a long time to stop being busy all the time, to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life, but I'm trying to do that every day 🙂
On the subject of envy, I really like the way Turkish draws the subtle distinction between özenmek, imrenmek and kıskanmak.
Ah, yes, definitely. Kiskanmak is quite a strong one compared to the other too.
Thank you so much, Good Doctor, for this explanation of how people who are constantly looking outside themselves can become very unhappy with the way their lives are going. Maybe I’ve been practicing self-deception for over sixty years, but all I’ve ever wanted to be is myself. I can’t say why I’ve been able to accept myself just the way I am. I’ve never felt much inclination to give in to peer pressure, and I’ve always prided myself on being what was known as a Rugged Individualist. I don’t hear that term very often nowadays but when I was growing up in the 1960s that was considered a very cool thing to be. A look at popular fiction and movies of the late Sixties and early Seventies will show that some of the most influential and respected entertainment of that era reflected that mindset. I turned eighteen in 1977, having missed out on being drafted for the Vietnam War by a few years. Prior to that in the USA a lot of people my age wanted to tear society down and start all over again. Nowadays it seems very naive to think that a minority of college students could remake an entire civilization, but the US government was worried enough that the FBI kept detailed files on student leaders and infiltrated groups such as the Students for Democratic Society. Quite a few of us thought that making money was a lot less important than pursuing spirituality, creativity and inner peace in our lives. There was a lot of illegal drug use and involvement with the occult as well. A lot of this was purely foolish and dangerous, especially playing around with hallucinogenic drugs. The Sexual Revolution was phony too, because a lot of guys just espoused it in order to take advantage of women without having any commitment or responsibility. This is a very brief history of the age that I grew up in. Though I supported a lot of those practices and objectives I never became personally involved with the Counterculture. I was too busy pursuing my music career and writing fantasy novels and stories. I was quite content to work unskilled day jobs to support my other passions. When my dreams of success as a musician and novelist began to fizzle I joined the Navy and managed quite well to exist with someone else telling me what to do all the time, in spite of my rebellious and passive aggressive tendencies. At that time I met the girl who would become my wife and we shared a lot of the same views about life. The most important thing to me was making her feel happy and loved. Through good fortune or Divine Providence, my wife’s main goal has been the same toward me. Now that I’m in my late sixties I feel almost exactly the same as I did when I was eighteen. My college education seems like a waste and most of the things I wanted to learn came through my own reading and experiences. My wife and I seem to be a couple of pretty rare birds. We’re almost completely alike in that we don’t care about what other people own and what they do. Is this really the way we are, or have we both been living a life of elaborate self-deception? I can’t say for certain, but I think that we are both very happy “doing our own thing,” and that we will remain that way until the angels come for us. ‘Bye for now, Good Doctor, and thank you for inspiring me to think about something that has come naturally to me for as long as I can remember!
Dear Selda, thank you for sharing this. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and appreciated how you presented the pros and cons, along with some surprising insights from research.
I particularly like your idea about stepping back—not simply reacting to what our feelings seem to tell us, but examining them from a bit more distance, almost a meta-perspective. Is this really about hair and beauty that I envy, or is it more about a history of different kinds of attention, praise, and love that fuels this feeling of envy?
Additionally, reframing social inspiration as opposed to comparison represents a significant shift in perspective.
And hey, who knew even the great Kafka had his moments of incredible doubt? :)
This is so insightful and I resonate with so much of it. When I was teaching exercise classes, I sometimes used to be very self critical as I tended to focus on educating people, rather than being a 'fun' performer. My classes were always full, so I know people appreciated my teaching style. I often check myself nowadays when I start feeling I should be 'doing' when I'm enjoying just 'being'. It's taken me a long time to stop being busy all the time, to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life, but I'm trying to do that every day 🙂
Thank you! I’m glad it resonated.
This is my favorite quote and I feel like I've been waiting for someon to analyze it. Thank you.
You mean the title of the post?