Navigating our own distress in the face of another's pain
How to respond with more compassion
Life is field with grief, sorrow, hardship, misery, and pain. Ironically, during our formative years, we were more likely to learn about the number of soldiers fought in historical wars than how to name our feelings, how to support ourselves and others during distress, or how to show empathy.
We’re pushed into the world without much guidance on the subjects that demand our utmost attention and that we require the most direction on.
Reflecting on my teenage years, I recall feeling clueless when faced with sadness or embarrassment. I didn’t know how to respond to others when I was angry. Handling conflicts seemed like a mystery, and even expressing positive emotions such as love puzzled me.
Knowing how to react to someone who is going through difficult times is one example where guidance is lacking, leaving us feeling like a fish out of water when emotional maturity is required in tough situations.
As a consequences of this lack of guidance, people find themselves at a loss when it comes to knowing what to say or how to provide compassion to those who are experiencing emotional distress. This has become even more apparent to me in the last 6 months.
Living with a chronic health condition that disrupts your daily life can be very challenging. In my case, the sudden deterioration of my existing condition recently, increased pain, and the accompanying emotional distress have left me feeling helpless at times. There were times when I felt isolated, but the support of those willing to stand by me made a world of difference. Suffering can be a lonely journey, but genuine support makes it more bearable.
Unfortunately, not everyone possesses the skills to offer meaningful support. I was taken aback by a close relative's dismissive words:
"As I always say, darling, it could have been worse."
This attitude is the easy way out. It ignores and diminishes one’s feelings and pain. It acts as a significant barrier to genuine compassion and helpful behaviours.
One reason people shy away empathy and compassion is the perceived effort involved. Empathy is not easy; as documented by research, it requires genuine effort and may bring about fear of making mistakes. We might, then, find ourselves refraining from entering into situations that demand empathy in the first place, or shifting our focus elsewhere during the interaction.
Beliefs about what should or should not work is another reason people respond in ways that are unhelpful. Many people believe that what they have heard or seen over the years about how to respond must work. They don’t even question the effectiveness of certain statements. The thing is, just because certain responses feel intellectually accurate to us doesn't mean they are what the person in distress needs.
“Everything happens for a reason”, or
“You’re strong; you’ll get through it”
might sound innocent and even helpful, but they are not effective in responding to emotional pain.
In delicate situations, relying on our gut instincts might not be the best option. We need to be more intentional in what we’re saying and how we’re acting.
There is no formula for providing the best support or saying the right thing, but if we want to be more caring, more compassionate, and more helpful towards those going through difficult times, we need to understand what might prevent us from showing support or choosing genuine compassion.
This brings us to one of the common blockers I’d like to touch on—personal distress.
Personal distress: A blocker to helping and supporting others
Imagine a friend sharing their recent distress: a profound sense of meaninglessness, feelings of withdrawal and isolation, and prolonged sadness. Chances are, you will try to take your friend’s perspective and imagine how it might feel like for them, mentally and physically, and show concern for their wellbeing.
However, there is another common reaction when faced with someone’s distress: becoming uncomfortable or anxious about what has been shared and taking actions to reduce your discomfort.
While the first response - emphatic concern or compassion – leads to helpful and supportive behaviours, the second one - personal distress, as research indicates, often results in selfish reactions.
When we feel personal distress, we are more likely to withdraw from the stressor, less likely to fully attend to other’s experience, less inclined to offer help, and more prone to providing quick fixes or overly optimistic responses when faced with others’ pain.
Attempts to cheer up someone when what they truly need is a validation and simple empathy, usually stem from personal distress, too. For instance, phrases like
“Look on the bright side”, or
“There are many things to be optimistic about”, or
“Why don’t we go out and have some fun, you might feel better”
miss the mark because they aim at minimising our own discomfort.
Offering quick fixes can also be a way of managing our distress, with suggestions like
“Have you tried meditation?”, or
“You should go on a holiday”.
These responses arise from our own insecurities, fears, or discomfort, while the other person might be seeking acknowledgement of their pain with responses like “It must be pretty awful” or “It sounds incredibly painful.”
Due to personal stress, we might also withdraw entirely with an aim to escape our discomfort, leaving the person alone with their suffering. This me-focused response aims to alleviate our discomfort and lacks genuine intention to help or support the other person.
Feeling some distress in the face of other’s pain is normal. What we can do, though, is turning to the other aspect of empathy – taking other’s perspective and being compassionate. This can help us react more mindfully and adjust our responses despite our discomfort.
How to prevent and handle personal distress to become more compassionate and helpful
To show compassion, you don’t need to fully immerse yourself in the pain of the other person. In fact, maintaining this distinction is important to avoid feeling personal distress. Research shows that attempting to step entirely into someone else's shoes may heighten our personal distress. On the other hand, focusing on the emotional responses or the actions of the other (such as what they are saying or doing) enables us to express genuine concern while minimising personal distress.
When we pivot towards warmth and understanding rather than absorbing all the negative emotions of others, we are less prone to abandoning those who are suffering and more adept at offering responses that are authentically compassionate.
Mitigating the costs of personal distress also requires down-regulation of our emotions. For example, a research study indicated that physicians who are able to regulate their emotions are more likely to help those in pain. Regulation of emotion can free up cognitive resources that is needed for assistance. Awareness of our own feelings, and the ability to consciously regulate those emotions can help us disconnect empathic responses to others from our personal distress, which can result in more helping behaviours.
Curiosity, which is known to help become more comfortable with uncertainty and anxiety, is another powerful tool in navigating personal distress. Expressing genuine interest through thoughtful questions shows care and alleviates the loneliness someone might be feeling. Asking questions also helps shift the focus from your own personal distress to the other person, potentially decreasing your discomfort. For example, "This condition sounds really difficult. Tell me more about it. What makes the pain worse or better?"
In navigating personal distress, you need to shift from "Look how sad what my friend said made me feel" to "They need some compassion; I wonder how I can support them."
What else can we do to become better at responding to those in pain?
It’s important to remember that we must meet the person in distress where they are, not where we think they should be or where we wish them to be. Otherwise, we will impose our agenda, trying to cheer them up, dismiss their feelings, or offer unhelpful advice.
Another tip I have is leaning into honesty when you don’t know what to do or say: "I'm not sure what to say right now, but I'm here to listen and support you."
Finding the right words requires being aware of your own comfort level, acknowledging your insecurities, showing up with intention, and adopting a listening and non-judgmental attitude. Remember that people going through difficult times seek validation, acknowledgment, and care; they’re not necessarily looking for all the answers.
The ultimate goal is to create a healing partnership by standing together with the other person during the crisis.
It’s possible to offer genuine understanding and love without being consumed by others; pain. While experiencing initial personal distress is natural, it may be a small price to pay for supporting those going through tough times.
Dr. Selda Koydemir is a London-based psychotherapist and a consultant, a professor at University of Bamberg, and co-founder of Springatlas. Selda is passionate about helping people prevent mental health challenges and improve wellbeing.
Read past issues including:
Knowing vs acting on your values: How to make your values more accessible
How my little social experiments led to richer interactions
Comfort feels good, until it doesn’t
Making prevention as sexy as remediation