My wife and I have been together for forty years-three years, forty of them married. We have had six arguments during that time where we actually raised our voices. The last time we argued, save once, was about thirty-eight years ago. Our marriage has been totally symbiotic and calm for so long that I think we’ve almost forgotten how to argue. We still disagree but always work things out without any display of hard feelings. I think we reached the point a long time ago where we don’t have to give ultimatums or draw lines in the sand. We know each other so well that we can just ignore things that would drive other couples to go at each other’s throats.
Last week I made the mistake of letting something my wife said really get to me. It felt weird because she’s said things like that hundreds of times over the years and I always just let it go in one ear and out the other. (I’m sure that I’ve annoyed her ten times as much as she’s annoyed me, but she is unbelievably tolerant and understanding and never inclined to escalate things.). I’m certainly not complaining about my wife—she’s amazing and absolutely wonderful, unselfish and kind all the time. I had bought a few things and left them on the kitchen table because I was exhausted and in a great deal of pain from my fibromyalgia and ankylosing spondylitis. I just slumped in the recliner like a scarecrow with the stuffing falling out from half a dozen holes. When my wife asked what I was going to do with this calendar I’d bought something snapped in my brain. I just put on the silent treatment and started picking up the kitchen. My back, hips, knees, hands and feet were on fire but I started doing all kinds of work like shredding old papers and opening mail. I took out the recycling and trash and started paying bills that weren’t due for two weeks. All the while I was childishly giving her the silent treatment, something I never do. One of the things I’d bought was an adult coloring book. Finally my wife came in the kitchen, not easy for her because she needs a wheelchair and can only go a short distance with her walker. She kissed me and said I should rest and forget about the kitchen. I told her I was almost finished working. I showed her a little pile of papers and said all I had left was to shred them and then color all the pictures in the coloring book. When I began that sentence I was angry and sarcastic, but halfway through our eyes met and we both started laughing, hugging and kissing each other.
I know I treated her unfairly but my anger vanished in that instant when we both realized that what I’d intended to be a mean statement actually came out funny. My wife is the farthest thing from a person who is hard to get along with. Her patience and love for me defused my anger in a split second. She’s simply amazing and not selfish or demanding in any way. I’m not sure if my account of the first fight we’ve had in nearly forty years will be of help to anyone else. My wife is in constant pain, much worse than my own. I just want to let someone else know how happy and proud I am to have such a wonderful partner in my life!
I read this while nodding my head in approval and wish I got at least some of this 30 years ago. But then that growth you mentioned did happen just not in time to save my first marriage. Now, in my second, after nearly 20 years, the understanding of mutual needs and the evolution of our relationship is completely normal for both of us, a subject of our in-jokes and a reason to rejoice. Thank you for articulating and dismantling this illusion of perfect acceptance that so many couples suffer from. May they grow out of it in time.
Hi Alex, thanks for reading and for your comment. I’m glad it resonated with you. And glad that you have found that balance in your relationship. I like that it’s a reason for rejoice :)
I am not sure that unconditional love exists, to say, to think this is one thing, to actually practice it is another.
Having said that, I don’t think the word guide is appropriate for a (any) relationship, it guides those who do not know. I would say express our wishes, our expectations on certain points, and after clarification, the person may, eventually, understand his inappropriate behavior, hurt or other and wish to change it, with a little help from the other or not, but it will always be a personal job.
If the person does not know how to act in certain situations, he could accept being guided, but this would not be his own choice of action, explain arguments in support, leave him free to decide whether he wants it and what changes to make in himeven.
Thank you for reading and for your comment. I hear what you’re saying. I still think acceptance and education/guiding go hand it hand. Of course, change is a personal thing but if it relates to the relationship it becomes a part of the dynamic. I believe it’s ok to guide our partners in attending our needs, as long as both agree to it and do it in a way that is respectful. Playfulness might be needed too. And we can be open to be guided by them. It’s a collaboration and interaction, not interference. Again, how you do it is so important.
I definitely agree that unconditional acceptance is not realistic in any type of relationship. The balance you mentioned resonates. "Guiding them and be open to be guided" I think that's so powerful but as you said it's also challenging. Do you think unconditional love is a myth too?
Thanks, Buse. I think the word unconditional is used in a wrong way and what it means is important. Love does involve conditions but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re human beings and expectations, needs, and sometimes conditions are normal.
My wife and I have been together for forty years-three years, forty of them married. We have had six arguments during that time where we actually raised our voices. The last time we argued, save once, was about thirty-eight years ago. Our marriage has been totally symbiotic and calm for so long that I think we’ve almost forgotten how to argue. We still disagree but always work things out without any display of hard feelings. I think we reached the point a long time ago where we don’t have to give ultimatums or draw lines in the sand. We know each other so well that we can just ignore things that would drive other couples to go at each other’s throats.
Last week I made the mistake of letting something my wife said really get to me. It felt weird because she’s said things like that hundreds of times over the years and I always just let it go in one ear and out the other. (I’m sure that I’ve annoyed her ten times as much as she’s annoyed me, but she is unbelievably tolerant and understanding and never inclined to escalate things.). I’m certainly not complaining about my wife—she’s amazing and absolutely wonderful, unselfish and kind all the time. I had bought a few things and left them on the kitchen table because I was exhausted and in a great deal of pain from my fibromyalgia and ankylosing spondylitis. I just slumped in the recliner like a scarecrow with the stuffing falling out from half a dozen holes. When my wife asked what I was going to do with this calendar I’d bought something snapped in my brain. I just put on the silent treatment and started picking up the kitchen. My back, hips, knees, hands and feet were on fire but I started doing all kinds of work like shredding old papers and opening mail. I took out the recycling and trash and started paying bills that weren’t due for two weeks. All the while I was childishly giving her the silent treatment, something I never do. One of the things I’d bought was an adult coloring book. Finally my wife came in the kitchen, not easy for her because she needs a wheelchair and can only go a short distance with her walker. She kissed me and said I should rest and forget about the kitchen. I told her I was almost finished working. I showed her a little pile of papers and said all I had left was to shred them and then color all the pictures in the coloring book. When I began that sentence I was angry and sarcastic, but halfway through our eyes met and we both started laughing, hugging and kissing each other.
I know I treated her unfairly but my anger vanished in that instant when we both realized that what I’d intended to be a mean statement actually came out funny. My wife is the farthest thing from a person who is hard to get along with. Her patience and love for me defused my anger in a split second. She’s simply amazing and not selfish or demanding in any way. I’m not sure if my account of the first fight we’ve had in nearly forty years will be of help to anyone else. My wife is in constant pain, much worse than my own. I just want to let someone else know how happy and proud I am to have such a wonderful partner in my life!
Thank you for sharing your experience, Rafael. Your love for your wife sounds wonderful.
I read this while nodding my head in approval and wish I got at least some of this 30 years ago. But then that growth you mentioned did happen just not in time to save my first marriage. Now, in my second, after nearly 20 years, the understanding of mutual needs and the evolution of our relationship is completely normal for both of us, a subject of our in-jokes and a reason to rejoice. Thank you for articulating and dismantling this illusion of perfect acceptance that so many couples suffer from. May they grow out of it in time.
Hi Alex, thanks for reading and for your comment. I’m glad it resonated with you. And glad that you have found that balance in your relationship. I like that it’s a reason for rejoice :)
This is such a thought-provoking and informative piece as always. Thank you, Selda.
Thank you, Raymond!
It’s a good subject, important in relationships.
I am not sure that unconditional love exists, to say, to think this is one thing, to actually practice it is another.
Having said that, I don’t think the word guide is appropriate for a (any) relationship, it guides those who do not know. I would say express our wishes, our expectations on certain points, and after clarification, the person may, eventually, understand his inappropriate behavior, hurt or other and wish to change it, with a little help from the other or not, but it will always be a personal job.
If the person does not know how to act in certain situations, he could accept being guided, but this would not be his own choice of action, explain arguments in support, leave him free to decide whether he wants it and what changes to make in himeven.
Thank you for reading and for your comment. I hear what you’re saying. I still think acceptance and education/guiding go hand it hand. Of course, change is a personal thing but if it relates to the relationship it becomes a part of the dynamic. I believe it’s ok to guide our partners in attending our needs, as long as both agree to it and do it in a way that is respectful. Playfulness might be needed too. And we can be open to be guided by them. It’s a collaboration and interaction, not interference. Again, how you do it is so important.
In the sense of sincere interaction, why not, what matters is that freedom remains present.
Very wise words, as always. I enjoyed reading this and found it very informative.
Thank you, Liza. Glad you enjoyed it!
I definitely agree that unconditional acceptance is not realistic in any type of relationship. The balance you mentioned resonates. "Guiding them and be open to be guided" I think that's so powerful but as you said it's also challenging. Do you think unconditional love is a myth too?
Thanks, Buse. I think the word unconditional is used in a wrong way and what it means is important. Love does involve conditions but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re human beings and expectations, needs, and sometimes conditions are normal.