It has taken me a lifetime to get to self acceptance. I am 70 years old and carry a lot of negative self talk, inspite of therapy, journalling and following the self improvement gurus. I realise I need to trust myself.
Hi Jules. I think it's not necessary, and not even realistic, to achieve full acceptance. There might be times we struggle with some parts of ourselves but a relatively more accepting attitude is really helpful. I understand that it's easier said than done.
Thank you for your words and this is the path I'm on after decades of feeling I needed to improve. I wrote yesterday that my goal is self acceptance, not self improvement and that means being aware when I start to abandon myself as I have done in the past. Wishing you good health and happiness for 2025..Karen
Hi Mariam. I agree that coming from that place is a more helpful attitude. There can always be things to improve and learn but things like incompleteness or shame are limiting.
At some point you have to recognize that part of growth is acceptance of discomfort and imperfection. The high skill move is to do as you suggest: continue growing whilst recognizing which tempting "growth" endeavors are coming from a maladaptive schema.
Thank you for this! As someone who is always trying to change myself for the better, I never really reflected on the meaning of "growth" instead that word for me is always defined by the media I always consumed which is creating a new identity or rebranding ourselves, which throws off the notion of self-acceptance.
But this post made me rethink of what growth is, and that is not making ourselves perfect in every way, but rather investigate the roots of our authentic selves, find what are our weaknesses and what makes us feel uncomfortable and be able to work with it.
Hey Selda, I love this reflection article. It really resonates with me, as I have spent the last 20 years fixing and improving myself. I feel that I am in a great place right now at age 65—the best I have ever felt. I am starting to think that it was never self-improvement I really needed, it was the ability to love myself and open up my heart again.
Glad you’re in a much better place now, Sue. I think growth is fundamental to who we are but we have misunderstood it. Starting from a more loving place always works better.
Good to see Aristotle and Confucius getting a look-in - and we can also mention Daoist cultivation (xiushen/xiuyang) and Plato's anagoge. I think the Platonic/Aristotelean idea of self-development got absorbed into Christianity (via Neo-Platonism), and then got secularised to give us the modern self-help movement, hence its somtimes quasi-religious nature, which is both a strength and a danger.
You’re right that self improvement isn’t inherently bad. I think the error we humans too easily make is to base our self improvement on the external world instead of finding its roots within. Personal meaning and self-acceptance need to be found within and, from that foundation, personal growth becomes something you do for yourself, not the outside world.
Green valleys & slopes of neocortico, fresh wind blowing da dust from my mind as synaptic flowers ooze nectar of serene tones, organic bioelectrical humm of potential inda dnacoils, livewire nerves sensuous being food for tomorrow's hunger is onda vine tonight ...
So much of this post resonated with me. Thank you for writing. And guilty as charged: “ We end up treating ourselves like never-ending DIY projects, always trying to correct what we see as weaknesses to reach some sort of standard.”
So well said!! It’s becoming a trend to “heal”, to “self-improve”, we then find ourselves in a constant state of overwhelm. “What’s wrong with me?” “How can I do better?” We get hyper-fixated and this journey, and forget that where we are now is perfect for us. There’s nothing inherently wrong with us!
Thank you for sharing your wise words, and honest thoughts. We need more writing like this.
Hi Margo, thanks for your comment. I'm not sure if self-love is fully possible but I think even coming from a more neutral place, a more accepting place helps instead of a rejecting one.
Can I offer a slight criticism? When you emphasizing the switch from self-improvement to self-acceptance, maybe you inadvertently render the field of psychological services to be irrelevant for that purpose. Most people don’t go to therapy, or take courses or read self-help books to learn the skills on how to love themselves more, they come to those things because they need skills to cope with an emotional or behavioral issue that makes living painful. They already don’t accept themselves, and you simply offering a description of that issue, but not a prescription, creates a closed feedback loop, with no path toward the way out of the suffering in sight. The core problem lies not in the lack of recognition and motivation to change, it’s the lack of clarity on what strategies they can employ to support that change. The theory of self-acceptance that you are putting forth is vague enough for it to qualify for the more shallow types of self-improvement material that you criticize. To me, building self-love is the catalyst to support self-improvement, but should not be the ultimate goal. Do you know what I mean?
Thank you for your comment. Perhaps you have misunderstood a few things (or I might have myself from what you have written.) Let me try to explain.
I’m not suggesting a shift from self-improvement to self-acceptance (I avoid using that phrase). Instead, I’m proposing that we can approach "growth" from a more accepting starting point. Many people who come to therapy struggle with accepting different parts of themselves, although not everyone seeks therapy for that reason.
Just to clarify, this piece isn’t offering advice or prescribing a particular path—it’s a reflective article highlighting how the concept of self-improvement can sometimes be taken too far, leading to a vicious cycle. This applies not only to people who attend therapy but also to those who might not even need it.
As for the term "self-love," I don’t resonate with it and didn’t mention it in the post. Could you elaborate on what you mean by that? I certainly didn’t imply that self-love is the ultimate goal of self-improvement. My point is more about beginning with an acceptance of the darker or more challenging parts of ourselves, and then working towards growth from that foundation. Thank you again for taking the time to read and comment.
I thought the whole point of this post was to discourage people from taking on too many goals at once, in an overwhelming and unachievable amount, and instead do something like the Lord’s Prayer (I.e, live with the things they can’t change and work on what they can) My first thought when reading this, which I admit was uncharitable, is that people reading this might assume that you’re saying to not set goals at all, because there’s a high chance that you won’t meet them, given the pressure people put on themselves to achieve things, and so you have to be content with settling for a life where your flaws drive most of your behavior.
I looked at the article again and yes, I did see you never wrote about self-love. I’ll use the term self-acceptance instead, but to me, the two mean the same thing. I understand that self-improvement can be a vicious cycle, I don’t disagree with that. I’m only saying that building self-love is only half the battle, it needs to be paired with action for change to occur. I would agree if you do that it’s easier said than done.
Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference between advice that is descriptive (or reflective, like you said) or prescriptive, you know?
I appreciate your willingness to engage with me in this.
As I said, I'm not talking about self-love at all. You have mentioned it again. Personal growth is one of the contributors of a fulfilling life, at least for many people. It's good to strive for getting better at things, setting goals etc. I support that. I also suggest that growth is easier if we start by accepting that we're flawed and always be. It's not about self-love. It's a more accepting attitude towards the imperfect coupled with action for change.
I appreciate that sometimes people interpret the same post in a different way, based on their own lenses, which is natural.
I see what you’re saying and that we don’t entirely see eye to eye. I guess I believe that when we want to change, we should emphasize that we are making that change based on loving ourselves, despite our imperfections. I think that the people who read your work and are looking to foster personal growth could benefit from fostering a little more self love, because they already know that they are imperfect, otherwise they wouldn’t be seeking out your work and countless other self-help material in the first place. I think most self-help advice is predicated upon the idea that people are highly aware that they don’t accept themselves, so I would recommend that they seek evidence of why they are worthy, and less of why they are broken. Maybe my problems aren’t as severe as other peoples’, but in my own experience that angle has been very helpful. Thank you!
It has taken me a lifetime to get to self acceptance. I am 70 years old and carry a lot of negative self talk, inspite of therapy, journalling and following the self improvement gurus. I realise I need to trust myself.
Hi Jules. I think it's not necessary, and not even realistic, to achieve full acceptance. There might be times we struggle with some parts of ourselves but a relatively more accepting attitude is really helpful. I understand that it's easier said than done.
Thank you for your words and this is the path I'm on after decades of feeling I needed to improve. I wrote yesterday that my goal is self acceptance, not self improvement and that means being aware when I start to abandon myself as I have done in the past. Wishing you good health and happiness for 2025..Karen
I'm glad to hear about your experience—it sounds much more fulfilling for you. Thank you for sharing!
I always see "self-improvement" as, I am already good and enough and I am working and investing more on that goodness and this enoughness.
Hi Mariam. I agree that coming from that place is a more helpful attitude. There can always be things to improve and learn but things like incompleteness or shame are limiting.
Well said. Nice thought piece.
At some point you have to recognize that part of growth is acceptance of discomfort and imperfection. The high skill move is to do as you suggest: continue growing whilst recognizing which tempting "growth" endeavors are coming from a maladaptive schema.
I couldn't agree more. The paradox of change is that it almost always begins with acceptance 😊
Thank you for this! As someone who is always trying to change myself for the better, I never really reflected on the meaning of "growth" instead that word for me is always defined by the media I always consumed which is creating a new identity or rebranding ourselves, which throws off the notion of self-acceptance.
But this post made me rethink of what growth is, and that is not making ourselves perfect in every way, but rather investigate the roots of our authentic selves, find what are our weaknesses and what makes us feel uncomfortable and be able to work with it.
You’ve described the core idea well, Ohkaydeh! I’m glad you find it helpful. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Hey Selda, I love this reflection article. It really resonates with me, as I have spent the last 20 years fixing and improving myself. I feel that I am in a great place right now at age 65—the best I have ever felt. I am starting to think that it was never self-improvement I really needed, it was the ability to love myself and open up my heart again.
Glad you’re in a much better place now, Sue. I think growth is fundamental to who we are but we have misunderstood it. Starting from a more loving place always works better.
Good to see Aristotle and Confucius getting a look-in - and we can also mention Daoist cultivation (xiushen/xiuyang) and Plato's anagoge. I think the Platonic/Aristotelean idea of self-development got absorbed into Christianity (via Neo-Platonism), and then got secularised to give us the modern self-help movement, hence its somtimes quasi-religious nature, which is both a strength and a danger.
You’re right that self improvement isn’t inherently bad. I think the error we humans too easily make is to base our self improvement on the external world instead of finding its roots within. Personal meaning and self-acceptance need to be found within and, from that foundation, personal growth becomes something you do for yourself, not the outside world.
Very well said, David. Thank you!
Green valleys & slopes of neocortico, fresh wind blowing da dust from my mind as synaptic flowers ooze nectar of serene tones, organic bioelectrical humm of potential inda dnacoils, livewire nerves sensuous being food for tomorrow's hunger is onda vine tonight ...
So much of this post resonated with me. Thank you for writing. And guilty as charged: “ We end up treating ourselves like never-ending DIY projects, always trying to correct what we see as weaknesses to reach some sort of standard.”
Thank you, Tara. I’m glad it resonated with you. And we’re all guilty I suppose :)
So well said!! It’s becoming a trend to “heal”, to “self-improve”, we then find ourselves in a constant state of overwhelm. “What’s wrong with me?” “How can I do better?” We get hyper-fixated and this journey, and forget that where we are now is perfect for us. There’s nothing inherently wrong with us!
Thank you for sharing your wise words, and honest thoughts. We need more writing like this.
Thank you for reading and sharing your reflections, Nichole!
The practice of growing from a place of self-love - holy work.
Hi Margo, thanks for your comment. I'm not sure if self-love is fully possible but I think even coming from a more neutral place, a more accepting place helps instead of a rejecting one.
That's a great frame of an attainable step. I see self-love as a practice. Loving inner self talk is a skill we can all learn. No?
Of course, love is a skill.
Can I offer a slight criticism? When you emphasizing the switch from self-improvement to self-acceptance, maybe you inadvertently render the field of psychological services to be irrelevant for that purpose. Most people don’t go to therapy, or take courses or read self-help books to learn the skills on how to love themselves more, they come to those things because they need skills to cope with an emotional or behavioral issue that makes living painful. They already don’t accept themselves, and you simply offering a description of that issue, but not a prescription, creates a closed feedback loop, with no path toward the way out of the suffering in sight. The core problem lies not in the lack of recognition and motivation to change, it’s the lack of clarity on what strategies they can employ to support that change. The theory of self-acceptance that you are putting forth is vague enough for it to qualify for the more shallow types of self-improvement material that you criticize. To me, building self-love is the catalyst to support self-improvement, but should not be the ultimate goal. Do you know what I mean?
Thank you for your comment. Perhaps you have misunderstood a few things (or I might have myself from what you have written.) Let me try to explain.
I’m not suggesting a shift from self-improvement to self-acceptance (I avoid using that phrase). Instead, I’m proposing that we can approach "growth" from a more accepting starting point. Many people who come to therapy struggle with accepting different parts of themselves, although not everyone seeks therapy for that reason.
Just to clarify, this piece isn’t offering advice or prescribing a particular path—it’s a reflective article highlighting how the concept of self-improvement can sometimes be taken too far, leading to a vicious cycle. This applies not only to people who attend therapy but also to those who might not even need it.
As for the term "self-love," I don’t resonate with it and didn’t mention it in the post. Could you elaborate on what you mean by that? I certainly didn’t imply that self-love is the ultimate goal of self-improvement. My point is more about beginning with an acceptance of the darker or more challenging parts of ourselves, and then working towards growth from that foundation. Thank you again for taking the time to read and comment.
I thought the whole point of this post was to discourage people from taking on too many goals at once, in an overwhelming and unachievable amount, and instead do something like the Lord’s Prayer (I.e, live with the things they can’t change and work on what they can) My first thought when reading this, which I admit was uncharitable, is that people reading this might assume that you’re saying to not set goals at all, because there’s a high chance that you won’t meet them, given the pressure people put on themselves to achieve things, and so you have to be content with settling for a life where your flaws drive most of your behavior.
I looked at the article again and yes, I did see you never wrote about self-love. I’ll use the term self-acceptance instead, but to me, the two mean the same thing. I understand that self-improvement can be a vicious cycle, I don’t disagree with that. I’m only saying that building self-love is only half the battle, it needs to be paired with action for change to occur. I would agree if you do that it’s easier said than done.
Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference between advice that is descriptive (or reflective, like you said) or prescriptive, you know?
I appreciate your willingness to engage with me in this.
As I said, I'm not talking about self-love at all. You have mentioned it again. Personal growth is one of the contributors of a fulfilling life, at least for many people. It's good to strive for getting better at things, setting goals etc. I support that. I also suggest that growth is easier if we start by accepting that we're flawed and always be. It's not about self-love. It's a more accepting attitude towards the imperfect coupled with action for change.
I appreciate that sometimes people interpret the same post in a different way, based on their own lenses, which is natural.
Thanks!
I see what you’re saying and that we don’t entirely see eye to eye. I guess I believe that when we want to change, we should emphasize that we are making that change based on loving ourselves, despite our imperfections. I think that the people who read your work and are looking to foster personal growth could benefit from fostering a little more self love, because they already know that they are imperfect, otherwise they wouldn’t be seeking out your work and countless other self-help material in the first place. I think most self-help advice is predicated upon the idea that people are highly aware that they don’t accept themselves, so I would recommend that they seek evidence of why they are worthy, and less of why they are broken. Maybe my problems aren’t as severe as other peoples’, but in my own experience that angle has been very helpful. Thank you!