Thank you for a well-written and insightful piece, Dr. Vicki :) I appreciate the way you articulated the importance of constructive feedback and the role it plays in fostering trust and intimacy in relationships. The balance you described between acknowledging imperfection and maintaining a sense of self-worth was particularly meaningful.
Your discussion made me reflect on an interesting challenge: How can partners ensure that holding each other accountable doesn’t drift into overcritical or nitpicking behaviors? While constructive feedback is essential, too much focus on pointing out flaws can sometimes feel overwhelming. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to strike that balance in a way that keeps the relationship both supportive and uplifting.
I love this question Dom. Yes, so important not to swing too far the other way into overly-critical behaviour. That could probably be a whole post in its own right and could definitely be harmful to a relationship! In general, I like the principle of 'staying in your own lane' i.e. we don't get to comment on our partner's choices or behaviours unless they directly impact on us. I also like the principle of talking about yourself, rather than the other person e.g. 'when X happened, I felt' rather than 'you always....' or 'you never...' I'd love to hear your own thoughts on this too.
Yes, the "not targeting the person" approach is definitely a winner for me. It's something I’ve (slowly) managed to take on board over the years in my own relationships (with my husband, sibling, friends etc...)
The "staying in your own lane" principle sounds pretty straightforward and answers my question—at least in part. :) I suppose this is where things get a bit grey for me: understanding where the impact of the other’s choices and behaviors land. What about situations where those choices don’t directly or fully impact us, but instead impact the person themselves (e.g., poor life choices, habits, etc.)? This is where my previous question resurfaces: how much focus can we realistically place on these issues without coming across as overly critical, while still showing genuine care?
As you pointed out, Dr. Vicki, this theme could easily be a whole post in its own right. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and engagement.
Yes, it can be tricky and nuanced, and there's a useful role for couples therapy when these areas become challenging. Having a third, more objective person in the room can help enormously in untangling these sticky issues.
This resonated with me very much. I feel like this can be a great discussion topic with my partner. We do give each other feedback but sometimes we fall into the trap of defensiveness. This perspective might be do the trick. Thank you both for this post.
Raymond, I am so with you in that I too sometimes fall into defensiveness. I find that's basically always because I've equated my wrong, my partner's hurt or critique, and so on, with my worth. It's because I translate my guilt into shame, which then activates my defenses. Honestly, until reading what you shared, I don't think I'd been able to articulate that so clearly and precisely. Thank you!
I think most of us lack many skills when it comes to emotional intimacy. We tend to skirt, skim, or squash the emotions of the other person or ignore the truth that we might be wrong or more importantly, imperfect.
Thanks for this informative and inspirational piece.
I hear you on this, Mariam! I know that I am especially "negative" emotion adverse, so have a bias to squash those in my partner. But when I work through that fear, and am empathetic and inviting to her, good and healing things happen.
I, for one, appreciate when people in my life - not only my partner - speak truth into me, spoken always with love. You know what I mean? When the people you trust most in life say something honestly, without any malice, how can you receive it with anything but grace and reflection? Thank you for sharing this! XO
This is very helpful! Next time it happens to me, I’m going to change my response and use the suggested phrases. Thank you. I hope by modeling this response, I’ll hear my partner echo the words.
Marylee, I think you're really onto something here! While of course you can't guarantee your partner will follow suit; by modeling what Vicki shares, you not only open the "door" for them to do likewise--you humming that tune, so to speak, can't help but awaken that melody within your partner ... and hopefully they'll choose to sing along! 🙏🏽🫶🏽
This is a really nice perspective, Vicki. I have read something similar in terms of manager-employee relations. Implementing it with close relationships sounds great. Thank you!
Thank you for your wise words and example, Vicki! 🙌🏽 Off the top of my head, I find two things make a big difference here for my partner and I. One is verbiage. In that the way a person share a hurt, critique, insight, etc. makes a big difference. Naturally, this has a contextual aspect to it; in that, depending on where her or I are "at", at that moment, definitely impacts how well we can hear one another. Along those lines, I find being playful in one's words goes a long way. Lisa has this saying, which I've adopted, that goes a long way. I'll say something bratty, for instance, and she'll look me up and down and say: "Oh, I see you have your bratty pants on today." We use _____ pants" in a variety of ways, and it simultaneously names the issue, while being playfully non confrontational/shaming about it. (I wrote a post about this)
The other is: Where one finds their worth. When we know our worth is secure and not in question, then it's WAY easier to avoid the trap of someone else's critique sending me into a shame spiral. Thank you for your writing and insights!
I love that Lang, and yes, I find the same - a bit of humour goes a long way in delivering the feedback. Being able to laugh at our rough edges is so helpful 😀 Thanks for your comments.
Thanks for your kind comments Selda, and I love that phrase 'a call to connect'
Thank you for a well-written and insightful piece, Dr. Vicki :) I appreciate the way you articulated the importance of constructive feedback and the role it plays in fostering trust and intimacy in relationships. The balance you described between acknowledging imperfection and maintaining a sense of self-worth was particularly meaningful.
Your discussion made me reflect on an interesting challenge: How can partners ensure that holding each other accountable doesn’t drift into overcritical or nitpicking behaviors? While constructive feedback is essential, too much focus on pointing out flaws can sometimes feel overwhelming. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to strike that balance in a way that keeps the relationship both supportive and uplifting.
Best,
Dom
I love this question Dom. Yes, so important not to swing too far the other way into overly-critical behaviour. That could probably be a whole post in its own right and could definitely be harmful to a relationship! In general, I like the principle of 'staying in your own lane' i.e. we don't get to comment on our partner's choices or behaviours unless they directly impact on us. I also like the principle of talking about yourself, rather than the other person e.g. 'when X happened, I felt' rather than 'you always....' or 'you never...' I'd love to hear your own thoughts on this too.
Yes, the "not targeting the person" approach is definitely a winner for me. It's something I’ve (slowly) managed to take on board over the years in my own relationships (with my husband, sibling, friends etc...)
The "staying in your own lane" principle sounds pretty straightforward and answers my question—at least in part. :) I suppose this is where things get a bit grey for me: understanding where the impact of the other’s choices and behaviors land. What about situations where those choices don’t directly or fully impact us, but instead impact the person themselves (e.g., poor life choices, habits, etc.)? This is where my previous question resurfaces: how much focus can we realistically place on these issues without coming across as overly critical, while still showing genuine care?
As you pointed out, Dr. Vicki, this theme could easily be a whole post in its own right. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and engagement.
Best wishes,
Dom :)
Yes, it can be tricky and nuanced, and there's a useful role for couples therapy when these areas become challenging. Having a third, more objective person in the room can help enormously in untangling these sticky issues.
This resonated with me very much. I feel like this can be a great discussion topic with my partner. We do give each other feedback but sometimes we fall into the trap of defensiveness. This perspective might be do the trick. Thank you both for this post.
Raymond, I am so with you in that I too sometimes fall into defensiveness. I find that's basically always because I've equated my wrong, my partner's hurt or critique, and so on, with my worth. It's because I translate my guilt into shame, which then activates my defenses. Honestly, until reading what you shared, I don't think I'd been able to articulate that so clearly and precisely. Thank you!
That's great to hear Raymond. I hope you have some fruitful discussions 😀
Love this.
I think most of us lack many skills when it comes to emotional intimacy. We tend to skirt, skim, or squash the emotions of the other person or ignore the truth that we might be wrong or more importantly, imperfect.
Thanks for this informative and inspirational piece.
Thank you Mariam. Yes I agree, I don't think most of us learn these skills growing up. I'm glad to hear it resonated with you 😊
I hear you on this, Mariam! I know that I am especially "negative" emotion adverse, so have a bias to squash those in my partner. But when I work through that fear, and am empathetic and inviting to her, good and healing things happen.
I, for one, appreciate when people in my life - not only my partner - speak truth into me, spoken always with love. You know what I mean? When the people you trust most in life say something honestly, without any malice, how can you receive it with anything but grace and reflection? Thank you for sharing this! XO
Yes, I'm so with you on that Danielle. Relationships become cleaner and clearer, it's not always easy but it's such a relief!
This is very helpful! Next time it happens to me, I’m going to change my response and use the suggested phrases. Thank you. I hope by modeling this response, I’ll hear my partner echo the words.
I’m glad it is helpful Marylee. And yes, modelling the patterns we would like to have reciprocated it is often the way to go. Good luck!
Humming the tune, planting the seed !! It all can work!
Marylee, I think you're really onto something here! While of course you can't guarantee your partner will follow suit; by modeling what Vicki shares, you not only open the "door" for them to do likewise--you humming that tune, so to speak, can't help but awaken that melody within your partner ... and hopefully they'll choose to sing along! 🙏🏽🫶🏽
Humming the tune, what a great analogy 😄
Thank you 🥰🙏🏽
This is a really nice perspective, Vicki. I have read something similar in terms of manager-employee relations. Implementing it with close relationships sounds great. Thank you!
Happy to hear it was useful Buse, and yes, I think it can apply to any relationship.
Thank you for your wise words and example, Vicki! 🙌🏽 Off the top of my head, I find two things make a big difference here for my partner and I. One is verbiage. In that the way a person share a hurt, critique, insight, etc. makes a big difference. Naturally, this has a contextual aspect to it; in that, depending on where her or I are "at", at that moment, definitely impacts how well we can hear one another. Along those lines, I find being playful in one's words goes a long way. Lisa has this saying, which I've adopted, that goes a long way. I'll say something bratty, for instance, and she'll look me up and down and say: "Oh, I see you have your bratty pants on today." We use _____ pants" in a variety of ways, and it simultaneously names the issue, while being playfully non confrontational/shaming about it. (I wrote a post about this)
The other is: Where one finds their worth. When we know our worth is secure and not in question, then it's WAY easier to avoid the trap of someone else's critique sending me into a shame spiral. Thank you for your writing and insights!
I love that Lang, and yes, I find the same - a bit of humour goes a long way in delivering the feedback. Being able to laugh at our rough edges is so helpful 😀 Thanks for your comments.