Thank you for this Selda, every word in the post is pure gold! This part stood out for me:
‘People’s resistance is not always about control or because they want to hold you back. It’s more to do with fear: fear of losing the relationship as it was, fear of confronting their own lack of growth, or fear of being left behind. Their discomfort might even feel a bit like grief, mourning the version of you they used to know so well.’
Last year was the hardest in my marriage so far, and exactly for the above mentioned reasons. ‘You are a completely different person than the one I married’ - my husband told me with so much pain and grief in his voice, I could hardly tolerate to hear it. He also cherishes my growth, he is very supportive. However, to really make things work out we had to lay down new ‘ground rules’. It led to extremely painful conversations, and without him also adjusting and putting efforts to his personal growth I am positive it would have broken our relationship. Instead, it made our bond even stronger. Change is scary, and for me, choosing myself for the first time in my life and saying it out loud was terrifying. There is still a lot of shifting going on, but I am every grateful for the people around me being so open to receive it and grow with me. Thanks again for all the useful insights and advice, will implement them! 🙏🏻
Hi Nora, thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. It's quite a familiar experience, I guess. Growth does bring such challenges in relationships. I'm glad you've worked it out and that your bond got even stronger. Having open-minded people around us really helps.
This was heaven sent. I have been on a healing and growth journey and seeing people resist my growth or even try to pull me back or define me as the old me has been painful and lonely. This post has reflected my feelings and shown me it's okay for the process to not be as colorful as I thought
Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I have gone through a substantial amount of growth in the past several years in leaving my marriage and starting my business and it has been such a positive journey for me. But I also feel caught in how this growth surpasses that of my friends and family, which can get very lonely. It is definitely a feeling of grief of how your relationship with them used to be, but knowing that you can't go back to that version of yourself. It helps to read your article as well as the comments to know that I'm not alone in it!
A well covered article on the real truth and various dimensions of growth and healing in any relationship. This is very commonly occuring issue, that needs talked about more. In the world of therapy and recovery, I come across this far too often, this is such a great article to refer to.
This really hit home and I'm so grateful that I'm not the only one sitting with this feeling. It's so hard to feel disconnected from everyone around you because you're no longer the person you used to be, but you can't and don't want to go back to that old version of yourself.
This makes so much sense. I’m so use to leaving people behind when the can’t accept my growth but this is helping me realize that their human beings and might need time and space to process
Such a great piece, Selda. I particularly love this line: "That’s because growth doesn’t just change who you are—it changes how you fit into your relationships. Maybe you’re speaking up now instead of biting your tongue, or hesitating where you used to jump right in. Those old dynamics that once held things together can start to unravel."
When I was going through my greatest growth in my early 30s, I lost a friend on account of speaking up in the relationship. Previously, I didn't speak up for what I needed and wanted. Even though it was done in a kind and positively communicative way, she wasn't able to handle the "new me" and unfortunately our paths separated. It's a really challenging time of losing friendships and connections, but it's also a reminder that those who are meant for you and open to your updated way of being will eventually find you. It simply takes time.
Read every word. So relevant for me right now.
Always so many useful insights, Selda!
Thank you, Liza! I'm glad you found it useful.
Thank you for this Selda, every word in the post is pure gold! This part stood out for me:
‘People’s resistance is not always about control or because they want to hold you back. It’s more to do with fear: fear of losing the relationship as it was, fear of confronting their own lack of growth, or fear of being left behind. Their discomfort might even feel a bit like grief, mourning the version of you they used to know so well.’
Last year was the hardest in my marriage so far, and exactly for the above mentioned reasons. ‘You are a completely different person than the one I married’ - my husband told me with so much pain and grief in his voice, I could hardly tolerate to hear it. He also cherishes my growth, he is very supportive. However, to really make things work out we had to lay down new ‘ground rules’. It led to extremely painful conversations, and without him also adjusting and putting efforts to his personal growth I am positive it would have broken our relationship. Instead, it made our bond even stronger. Change is scary, and for me, choosing myself for the first time in my life and saying it out loud was terrifying. There is still a lot of shifting going on, but I am every grateful for the people around me being so open to receive it and grow with me. Thanks again for all the useful insights and advice, will implement them! 🙏🏻
Hi Nora, thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts. It's quite a familiar experience, I guess. Growth does bring such challenges in relationships. I'm glad you've worked it out and that your bond got even stronger. Having open-minded people around us really helps.
I really loved this, thank you for sharing it. So relevant for me as a grower, but also on the receiving end of someone who has outgrown me.
This was heaven sent. I have been on a healing and growth journey and seeing people resist my growth or even try to pull me back or define me as the old me has been painful and lonely. This post has reflected my feelings and shown me it's okay for the process to not be as colorful as I thought
I'm glad that it resonated with you, and many other readers, Sophie. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I have gone through a substantial amount of growth in the past several years in leaving my marriage and starting my business and it has been such a positive journey for me. But I also feel caught in how this growth surpasses that of my friends and family, which can get very lonely. It is definitely a feeling of grief of how your relationship with them used to be, but knowing that you can't go back to that version of yourself. It helps to read your article as well as the comments to know that I'm not alone in it!
That's lovely to hear, thank you!
A well covered article on the real truth and various dimensions of growth and healing in any relationship. This is very commonly occuring issue, that needs talked about more. In the world of therapy and recovery, I come across this far too often, this is such a great article to refer to.
I found this article really great. A topic that you covered so well, with so much beautiful articulations. Thanks so much!
Thank you, Maria!
This really hit home and I'm so grateful that I'm not the only one sitting with this feeling. It's so hard to feel disconnected from everyone around you because you're no longer the person you used to be, but you can't and don't want to go back to that old version of yourself.
This makes so much sense. I’m so use to leaving people behind when the can’t accept my growth but this is helping me realize that their human beings and might need time and space to process
Every word in this piece speaks deeply to me as I am Navigating this presently. Thank you
The time I spent reading this was not wasted.
Thank you!
Such a great piece, Selda. I particularly love this line: "That’s because growth doesn’t just change who you are—it changes how you fit into your relationships. Maybe you’re speaking up now instead of biting your tongue, or hesitating where you used to jump right in. Those old dynamics that once held things together can start to unravel."
When I was going through my greatest growth in my early 30s, I lost a friend on account of speaking up in the relationship. Previously, I didn't speak up for what I needed and wanted. Even though it was done in a kind and positively communicative way, she wasn't able to handle the "new me" and unfortunately our paths separated. It's a really challenging time of losing friendships and connections, but it's also a reminder that those who are meant for you and open to your updated way of being will eventually find you. It simply takes time.
This hits home! Thank you so much. 🤍💟
Thanks, Megan!
This is me now, knowing I want to grow but aware of how much it will rock the boat, especially with my mother.
This is so important. And well presented!
Thanks, Gregory!