Weirdly I was chatting to my son in law about just this last night. There’s inherent unknowing, judgement and difficulty behind the compelling need to advise others. But you can’t know! Starting with curiosity seems a useful way to avoid bias. Irony acknowledged!
Thank you for this post. I've literally experienced this a few days ago with a friend of mine. I knew she was going to respond with some sort of advice but I still shared something that was bothering me. I'm with you; these interactions make me withdraw completely. But it's a tricky one.
My therapist started giving very direct advice about moving to different country, and other specific aspects of my life. And I instantly felt worse about our relationship and therapy effectiveness.
Then I discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, started reading books, applying exercises. I started strengthening my self and advice came from me to my broken parts - it was the most empowering moment in my adult life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, Marbella. I'm afraid many therapists fall into that trap, although I'm sure with no bad intentions. But advice-giving doesn't work well. Glad to hear you have found something that resonated!
I could not agree more. Unsolicited advice is one of my pet hates in life. It feels invalidating and seems to close down rather than open up the conversation. I wish we were better at empathic listening as a society, the world needs so much more of this...
Hi Misha! As I mentioned in the post, sharing some wisdom won't hurt. This might be in the form of sharing experiences, things that have worked for us int he past, or information. It's always better to avoid bold statements such as "you should..." though. I sometimes share what I would do in a similar situation, but that's biased because we're usually bad at predicting how we will react or feel in the future. We might say that we would do x but might not in reality.
Weirdly I was chatting to my son in law about just this last night. There’s inherent unknowing, judgement and difficulty behind the compelling need to advise others. But you can’t know! Starting with curiosity seems a useful way to avoid bias. Irony acknowledged!
Hi Nick! The curious mindset is indeed a good one.
Thank you for this post. I've literally experienced this a few days ago with a friend of mine. I knew she was going to respond with some sort of advice but I still shared something that was bothering me. I'm with you; these interactions make me withdraw completely. But it's a tricky one.
My therapist started giving very direct advice about moving to different country, and other specific aspects of my life. And I instantly felt worse about our relationship and therapy effectiveness.
Then I discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, started reading books, applying exercises. I started strengthening my self and advice came from me to my broken parts - it was the most empowering moment in my adult life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, Marbella. I'm afraid many therapists fall into that trap, although I'm sure with no bad intentions. But advice-giving doesn't work well. Glad to hear you have found something that resonated!
I could not agree more. Unsolicited advice is one of my pet hates in life. It feels invalidating and seems to close down rather than open up the conversation. I wish we were better at empathic listening as a society, the world needs so much more of this...
Thanks for your comment, Vicki.
I avoid giving unsolicited advice. But what do you suggest we do when someone is insisting on hearing our advice?
Hi Misha! As I mentioned in the post, sharing some wisdom won't hurt. This might be in the form of sharing experiences, things that have worked for us int he past, or information. It's always better to avoid bold statements such as "you should..." though. I sometimes share what I would do in a similar situation, but that's biased because we're usually bad at predicting how we will react or feel in the future. We might say that we would do x but might not in reality.