I started maturing as i started to deconstruct the inocent neoliberal ideology within me and having empathy for people's struggles, also being sexually assaulted and realizing all the women i know (friends and family) have been assaulted or raped made me reflect more in what i believed politically and how i viewed the world.
That was just the beginning.
Seeing my parents as humans with their own flaws was also a big change in my day to day life... i still have lots of growing to do and the thing i currently struggle with the most is self-acceptance.
Loved your post and all the psychology citations, i can't wait to check out your page. It also inspired me to start writing about subjects of my own interest as a psychology student. Have a nice day♡
The moments when I feel most like an adult are when I have my “shit together” or feel in control and the moments when I feel like a child are moments when I feel helpless, confused, uncertain. Bit maturing is about realizing you can be an adult and still be confused and not understand what you’re doing with your life. Adulthood is not about perfectly having it together all the time. But it does require greater awareness of your need to change.
I like this, Tara: maturing is about realising you can be an adult and still be confused about your life. That's so true. It's about knowing you can't figure everything out. Thanks for sharing!
I feel like maturity often boils down to acceptance—acceptance of what I cannot control, of who I am and am not, of who others are and are not, of impermanence and change
I felt I started growing up when I realised I couldn't take my cake and eat it.
My past action has consequences that bind me even today because some decisions have lasting impact. And that's humane. I mean, as we accumulate years in our age, who can pass all their decades spotless anyway.
Beautiful post Selda. I think one of the markers for me has been the realisation that everything passes, and (mostly) things work themselves out, so there's not such an impulse to panic when life deals a curveball, but to trust the process of life itself.
That's a good one, Vicki. I always remind myself that id things are bad, they are bad now and it doesn't mean they will stay forever. And all emotions are temporary; some stay longer but they do pass. Something I' learned as I matured. Thank you for this.
At 63, there's still a powerless little boy lurking in a back corner of my psyche, sometimes tyrannizing all the parts of me that wants to fulfill his potential; for adulting, for composure when stressed, for wisdom when thrown curveballs, for joy. I believe I have grown up some this past year; at last, incrementally. It feels good to know that.
I love your list of 10. It feels helpful to cut them out, paste them on a calendar, and refer to them each one at a time, like affirmations/aspirations.
I just found your Stack and I can't wait to see what else I might learn from your writing. Thank you for giving me a language to better frame my life experience. I feel a virtuous cycle of self-understanding is just around the corner. Blessings.
Thanks so much, Andrew. It’s nice to hear that the piece resonated with you. And thanks for sharing your own experience. I guess maturation is a life-long process that never ends.
Reading this was like a breath of fresh air. You've managed to express so many different feelings with your words, like our experiences have been perfectly narrated and eternalized, thank you for that.
And to answer your question – I think I finally felt like I was maturing once I realized that we can't blame people for not meeting our expectations, instead, we must accept them for who they are. People won't and shouldn't change solely for us, but for themselves, and we can't keep on depending on other people to fulfill our needs/validate us. We are the ones who have to take over and decide to keep what makes sense in our life and remove what doesn't. Accepting the pain of letting go and licking our own wounds.
Thanks so much for your comment! I'm so glad this piece resonated with you. And I really like what you say: we can't blame people for not meeting our expectations. That's definitely an important indicator of maturity.
Two points in particular ring out for me, as milestones in my Maturing. The first is responsibility and accountability. Responsibility means I take ownership of everything I do. I am always "at choice" - whether active or passive. The accountability part is accepting the consequences of my behavior. Both - for me - must be public "statements" -- that I am willing to announce openly -- and without shame. The second happened only 12 years ago, when I was 68 or so: seeing and acknowledging my parents as people in their own right. The awareness came in a program where I was railing against my mother (which I had been doing for years) about how she had failed me. "Why didn't she make an effort to be better?" At the same moment, I became painfully aware of how I -- after MANY years of self-work -- was still failing people I cared about. With all my work, I was failing -- and my mother had none of the resources I had been drawing on for 30 years. Perspective: I was angry at her for not doing what I found so difficult to do myself. That's when I began offering grace, and forgiving her -- and myself -- for being human. My mother had been dead for some 10 years, yet I was able forgive her and apologize to her for my relentless anger. I can see and respect all your other points -- but those two stood out. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for sharing your reflections, Jay. 'm glad you have managed to find some perspective about your parents. It's not an easy one and can take years to arrive at a peaceful place.
The algorithm seems to just be catching me up with your writing!
In answer to your question, all ten that you set out so beautifully are an ever evolving process for me. The starkest one has been to see my parents as doing the best they could with what they had.
Wonderful piece. For me, today, number 9 is what I woke up feeling. I realized I’d been resisting the aging process (as if that’s possible in any real way), because of the loss that comes with the loss of our young bodies, but as you say, handling loss with grace is the essence of maturity. It’ll happen anyway, so why not handle it with grace whenever possible?
Also, by the way, I love all the Notes you share! As you may or may not have noticed from my constant re-posting. Thank you for your wisdom.
Thanks for your kind words, Susan. I have to admit that dealing with loss with grace is one of my favourite ones, too. It's such an important one but something we don't pay much attention to. The ability to find something we enjoy and look forward to in every age is probably the best we can do to face the difficulty of the aging process.
I resonate with most of this list, thanks for sharing. I also like Allport's framework for mature personality. Perhaps I can add becoming comfortable with things like distress, boredom, uncertainty, and failure.
I started maturing as i started to deconstruct the inocent neoliberal ideology within me and having empathy for people's struggles, also being sexually assaulted and realizing all the women i know (friends and family) have been assaulted or raped made me reflect more in what i believed politically and how i viewed the world.
That was just the beginning.
Seeing my parents as humans with their own flaws was also a big change in my day to day life... i still have lots of growing to do and the thing i currently struggle with the most is self-acceptance.
Loved your post and all the psychology citations, i can't wait to check out your page. It also inspired me to start writing about subjects of my own interest as a psychology student. Have a nice day♡
Thanks, Ezzy!
The moments when I feel most like an adult are when I have my “shit together” or feel in control and the moments when I feel like a child are moments when I feel helpless, confused, uncertain. Bit maturing is about realizing you can be an adult and still be confused and not understand what you’re doing with your life. Adulthood is not about perfectly having it together all the time. But it does require greater awareness of your need to change.
I like this, Tara: maturing is about realising you can be an adult and still be confused about your life. That's so true. It's about knowing you can't figure everything out. Thanks for sharing!
I feel like maturity often boils down to acceptance—acceptance of what I cannot control, of who I am and am not, of who others are and are not, of impermanence and change
Yes to acceptance, Clare!
Your points are all on the money.
I felt I started growing up when I realised I couldn't take my cake and eat it.
My past action has consequences that bind me even today because some decisions have lasting impact. And that's humane. I mean, as we accumulate years in our age, who can pass all their decades spotless anyway.
Beautiful post Selda. I think one of the markers for me has been the realisation that everything passes, and (mostly) things work themselves out, so there's not such an impulse to panic when life deals a curveball, but to trust the process of life itself.
That's a good one, Vicki. I always remind myself that id things are bad, they are bad now and it doesn't mean they will stay forever. And all emotions are temporary; some stay longer but they do pass. Something I' learned as I matured. Thank you for this.
At 63, there's still a powerless little boy lurking in a back corner of my psyche, sometimes tyrannizing all the parts of me that wants to fulfill his potential; for adulting, for composure when stressed, for wisdom when thrown curveballs, for joy. I believe I have grown up some this past year; at last, incrementally. It feels good to know that.
I love your list of 10. It feels helpful to cut them out, paste them on a calendar, and refer to them each one at a time, like affirmations/aspirations.
I just found your Stack and I can't wait to see what else I might learn from your writing. Thank you for giving me a language to better frame my life experience. I feel a virtuous cycle of self-understanding is just around the corner. Blessings.
Thanks so much, Andrew. It’s nice to hear that the piece resonated with you. And thanks for sharing your own experience. I guess maturation is a life-long process that never ends.
Reading this was like a breath of fresh air. You've managed to express so many different feelings with your words, like our experiences have been perfectly narrated and eternalized, thank you for that.
And to answer your question – I think I finally felt like I was maturing once I realized that we can't blame people for not meeting our expectations, instead, we must accept them for who they are. People won't and shouldn't change solely for us, but for themselves, and we can't keep on depending on other people to fulfill our needs/validate us. We are the ones who have to take over and decide to keep what makes sense in our life and remove what doesn't. Accepting the pain of letting go and licking our own wounds.
Thanks so much for your comment! I'm so glad this piece resonated with you. And I really like what you say: we can't blame people for not meeting our expectations. That's definitely an important indicator of maturity.
Two points in particular ring out for me, as milestones in my Maturing. The first is responsibility and accountability. Responsibility means I take ownership of everything I do. I am always "at choice" - whether active or passive. The accountability part is accepting the consequences of my behavior. Both - for me - must be public "statements" -- that I am willing to announce openly -- and without shame. The second happened only 12 years ago, when I was 68 or so: seeing and acknowledging my parents as people in their own right. The awareness came in a program where I was railing against my mother (which I had been doing for years) about how she had failed me. "Why didn't she make an effort to be better?" At the same moment, I became painfully aware of how I -- after MANY years of self-work -- was still failing people I cared about. With all my work, I was failing -- and my mother had none of the resources I had been drawing on for 30 years. Perspective: I was angry at her for not doing what I found so difficult to do myself. That's when I began offering grace, and forgiving her -- and myself -- for being human. My mother had been dead for some 10 years, yet I was able forgive her and apologize to her for my relentless anger. I can see and respect all your other points -- but those two stood out. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for sharing your reflections, Jay. 'm glad you have managed to find some perspective about your parents. It's not an easy one and can take years to arrive at a peaceful place.
Wow. This is so helpful. Thank you!
Thank you, Jennifer. Lovely to hear you liked it :)
Beautiful article. Love the reminder that maturity includes childlike qualities like play and curiosity. Thanks for this!
Hi Britta, thanks for your comment. Yes, let's just keep the child within no matter how old we are :)
The algorithm seems to just be catching me up with your writing!
In answer to your question, all ten that you set out so beautifully are an ever evolving process for me. The starkest one has been to see my parents as doing the best they could with what they had.
Thanks you! (I should also than the algorithm, I guess)
I'm glad my list resonated with you.
Wonderful piece. For me, today, number 9 is what I woke up feeling. I realized I’d been resisting the aging process (as if that’s possible in any real way), because of the loss that comes with the loss of our young bodies, but as you say, handling loss with grace is the essence of maturity. It’ll happen anyway, so why not handle it with grace whenever possible?
Also, by the way, I love all the Notes you share! As you may or may not have noticed from my constant re-posting. Thank you for your wisdom.
Thanks for your kind words, Susan. I have to admit that dealing with loss with grace is one of my favourite ones, too. It's such an important one but something we don't pay much attention to. The ability to find something we enjoy and look forward to in every age is probably the best we can do to face the difficulty of the aging process.
I resonate with most of this list, thanks for sharing. I also like Allport's framework for mature personality. Perhaps I can add becoming comfortable with things like distress, boredom, uncertainty, and failure.
Thanks, Buse! Definitely agree that becoming more comfortable with discomfort is part of psychological maturity.
Thank you for your amazing insight super inspiring