Feel free to gripe from time to time; there's no shame in complaining

“All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow.” - Leo Tolstoy

Back when I was consulting for a big tech company, I witnessed an odd rule set by the team lead: every time someone complained, they had to drop 50 cents into a jar. That’s right; just like the token systems teachers mandate in classrooms to teach students certain behaviours. The idea? To turn everyone in the team all into super positive, problem-solvers who don’t whine. But guess what? It totally backfired. Instead of boosting morale, it just made everyone feel irritable. Their creativity took a hit, and they stopped speaking up like they used to.  

Surrounded with messages urging us to silence our complaints, it’s no wonder complaining gets a bad rap. Many people see complaining as the ultimate joy-killer and something to be avoided at all costs. But we’re used to societies drawing clear cut lines for what’s acceptable behaviour and what’s not, aren’t we? Anything with positive connotations is encouraged, while expressions of negativity are admonished.

Complaining, like many other negative-sounding behaviour, has been unfairly stigmatised. Articles are urging us to stop complaining altogether, claiming it's bad for our well-being and those around us: “Stop complaining now!”, “Why you should quit complaining”, “Complaining is toxic”. Stoics see complaining as futile and a waste of time. Nietzsche said only losers complain.

And sure, they all have a point. Nobody wants to be around a chronic complainer all the time, especially when they’re unwilling to do anything about their dissatisfaction and they blame others for their problems and for how they feel. Constant venting and aimless whining or expressing dissatisfaction with almost everything can bring everyone down, as science tells us it’s linked to unhappiness and strained relationships.

But here is the thing: human behaviour is far too complex to be categorised into simple dichotomies. Despite its negative connotations, complaining isn't inherently toxic in every circumstance for everyone. It's a natural part of being human. We're wired to focus on what's not working and what threatens us. So, the idea of never complaining seems unrealistic and even unhealthy. After all, having no complaints sounds like having no opinions or boundaries.

While I don’t support constant complaining, endless whining, or venting, it has potential for personal and social growth. Believe it or not, research suggests that certain forms of complaining can actually bring people closer together, spark positive changes, and offer fresh perspectives.

A complaint doesn’t have to be evil. It can be a lens through which we see the problems, a greeting, or an intention to bond with others. It can be a protest or a criticism. It can also be a request for help. And sometimes, we feel so helpless that complaining might seem to be the only thing left to do.

Ultimately, isn’t it all about about its function, our intent, and how we do it?

Complaining as a signpost for our needs

Complaining might serve many functions, and this one if my favourite: it can help us figure out our needs and emotions. It’s like a signal that tells us something isn’t right and we need to pay attention.

Beneath the surface of complaining lies vulnerability; it's a subtle acknowledgment to ourselves and others that we have flaws and that we might be experiencing some pain. In this light, complaining can be an act of courage rather than a sign of weakness.

It’s also a way of communicating others what we need, although not the most effective one. For example, if we tell our partner, "You never ask me about my day," we might be saying that we want them to show more interest in our lives. While such complaints may sometimes cause tensions, occasional expressions of discontent aren't inherently detrimental; they can help us understand each other’s needs better.

It’s important to be kind when we complain, though, focusing on specific behaviours rather than making sweeping generalisations, and avoiding blaming or shaming.

Besides, while it's common to vent to someone else about the person we're upset with, research suggests it's better to address our concerns directly with the individual. This can help them understand us better and ultimately strengthen our relationship.

Complaining as a perspective-taking tool

When we openly share what’s bothering us, it’s like we’re stepping back from the problem and looking at from another angle. We can distance ourselves from the emotional turmoil and gain a broader perspective and a more objective perception of the situation. This can give us a clearer view of what’s going on and help us think about solutions.

Sometimes, just talking about distressing events can make it seem less serious than we thought. We might realise it’s not as a big deal as we first thought, or we might see a way to fix it that we hadn’t considered before.

So, as long as we avoid overloading ourselves and others with constant complaints, expressing dissatisfaction can be a way to tackle our problems in a new way.

If you find yourself complaining about an event, a situation, yourself, or a person, and your goal is to turn that complaint into something useful in order to create some change, then you' might want to ask yourself some questions about your complaint:

• What exactly is bothering me?

• What is my dissatisfaction telling me about what I need?

• What could make the situation better?

• What would my smartest friend say about this?

By doing this, we can turn complaining into a way to grow and solve problems.

Complaining as a mood enhancer (when done right)

Many people tell me that complaining feels like a weight off their shoulders. It’s like shedding a heavy burden. Sure, it might have a cathartic effect, but here is the catch: research suggests that complaining can make us feel better only when we receive affirmation for our feelings or situation.

The common belief that venting helps us unload our emotions and clear our chests is, in reality, a misconception. The benefits of emotional expression or venting largely depend on the listener’s response mode.

When someone affirms our feelings with responses like "That must be hard," it can really hep lift our mood. But if nobody listens, cares, or affirms, complaining can make us feel worse.

An empathetic response from the listener can also enhance the connection between the complainer and the listener, reducing feelings of loneliness and contributing to a better mood.

So, it might be wiser to voice complaints when we have a chance of receiving acknowledgement and support. Sometimes I try to give my friends or family a chance to talk about what’s bothering them by sharing my own complaint first (I sometimes make one up). It makes it easier for them to open up, especially if they’re worried about being rejected.  

Complaining as a form of help-seeking

Seeking help can be daunting for many reasons—personality traits, fear of judgement, stigma around help-seeking, or simply not knowing how to ask.

For many people, complaining is a subtle form of seeking support. For those uncomfortable with directly asking for help or sharing vulnerabilities, complaining serves as a signal that they’re struggling.

While it’s not the most effective way of looking for support (it really isn’t), being aware of this reality can help us understand why some people resort to complaining in the first place.

We can choose to recognise these signals from a loved one and open the doors for them to get the support they need. We can recognise their pain and show compassion; let them know that they are not alone.

Complaining as a pathway to social connection

Complaining has a surprising ability to bring people together, especially when everyone shares similar feelings. In moments of collective distress, complaining becomes a shared experience where we find companionship and even humour in our grievances. Picture waiting in a long queue, where everyone’s patience wears in. Complaining can spark conversations and encourage people to interact, turning a frustrating situation into a moment of connection.

I know, complaining is not the ideal approach to start a conversation or interaction. But in such instances, it’s not necessarily toxic, either. It can serve as a springboard for interaction. It can help us feel closer to others. People can bond over common frustrations and challenges.

Complaining doesn't have to be a source of negativity, anger, or upset among people. Instead, it can be a way to share experiences and feel we’re in this together.

Here are some additional tips for complaining well.

Try different ways to cope.

If complaining becomes your default response to stress or anxiety, explore alternative ways of coping. Relying solely on complaining can lead to burnout and strain your relationships. Experiment with techniques that are more effective in the long-term.

Save most of your complaints for things that can be changed.

While occasional venting without expecting change is normal, and complaining can serve different functions, you might want to reserve most of your complaints for situations where real change is feasible. Prioritise addressing issues that have the potential for resolution rather than dwelling on circumstances beyond your control.

Choose your audience wisely.

If your goal is to spur change, direct your dissatisfaction to people or entities capable of addressing the problem. When seeking emotional support or validation, confide in those who can offer understanding and affirmation. If you're seeking perspective, opt for individuals who may challenge your views constructively.

Avoid overloading others.

To prevent others from feeling overwhelmed or irritated by your complaints, avoid burdening one person with excessive complaints. Spread them out among different people in your support network, maintaining a balanced approach to sharing your concerns.

So, …

I don’t like labelling human behaviour as strictly good or bad. I prefer to appreciate the variety and nuances. We need both the sweet and the sour, the bitter and the savoury.

In a world filled with messages preaching endless gratitude, here is my take: it's okay to be grateful AND to voice complaints every now and then. They're not mutually exclusive. They can peacefully coexist, adding depth and richness to our lives.

Knowing when to express dissatisfaction skilfully can be a valuable skill. Believe it or not, some complaints, and even the way we complain, can inject a little more warmth and humour into our world, making it feel less lonely and more vibrant.

So go ahead, if you need to complain, do it with intention and maybe even a sprinkle of humour.

I’m a London-based psychotherapist, an organisational consultant, and a professor at the University of Bamberg. I’m passionate about helping people improve their mental health and live a better life.